I know that the history of magic so far is montrously huge to be posted entirely, but I've aways been curious about and we don't have the novels down here in brazil, so:
Can someone post, in a shortened way, the history from magic beginning at the brother's war up to apocalypse? No really, can someone? Please?
So, this thread is a thread in which you'll find summarized plots for the history of magic so far. Feal free to post your versions or coment and complement the work of others. I'll post in here the one's made so far, and they're hilarious.
"That Yawgmoth guy is respulsive. Science over Magic. As a Thran, I find that offensive."
"Yeah but we're dying of pthisis. Let's give him a chance. What could go wrong?"
"He's turning us into monsters, that's what. The rest of the world is getting antsy."
"Don't worry, he's declared war on them. He'll wipe them out."
"He just wiped us out along with them. Nice one."
"Hey Mishra, there's this neat cave out the way that looks like it was made by that ancient, long-lost Thran race."
"Cool, Urza, let's check it out."
"This stone is glowing. I'll take it back to the camp and study it."
"I'll take it back for you."
"That's okay."
"No, I insist."
"You idiot, you broke it!"
"No, you broke it! It was half mine anyway!"
"I hate you!"
"I hate you more!"
"My stone's better!"
"That's it! I'm out of here!"
"See if I care, Mishra! I'm going to marry into royalty to study these Thran guys some more."
"Yeah? Well I'm going to lead a tribe of desert nomads to crush your civilisation! Hey, neat, I found a dragon robot."
"Yeah? Well I'm going to... wait, a robot? Neat! I mean, no, that's crap compared to my stuff!"
"This is war! Bags that last island!"
"I saw it first! Wait a second.... you're not Mishra! You're a Phyrexian! KHAAAANNNNNNN!"
"....Whoops."
"Nice one, Urza."
"Shut up, Yawgmoth. I didn't know the bang would be that big. Anyway, you're stuck out here too. Neither of us can get into Dominaria now."
"You know what I'm gonna do to you now?"
"I still have one robot! Take this! ...Oww."
"Didn't feel it."
"Crap! Serra! Help!"
"Oh, wow. A plane of pure happy. This is gonna be fun."
"Right, you stay right here then, I'll just have a look over here.... Hey Dominaria's open. Damn it Freyalise! Now I have to start all over again! Well, I blew up my only doomsday cylex. I bet an army of robots will do. Hurry up and get born, Barrin."
"What?"
"Ah there you are. I need a school to train wizards and artificers and stuff. I'm not a people person, though - heck I've killed more of them than have been born since - so you'll be the headmaster."
"Um, okay..."
"Oh yeah, and I want to go back in time to stop that awful Yawgmoth fellow from being able to beat the stuffing out of my robots and artificers. Heck, if I do this right I'll end up not even having to."
"You'll be needing a silver golem then. Here's one."
"Never mind, I just blew up the time machine."
"What'll I do with the golem?"
"Well, there's this kid I recently orphaned."
"Be more specific."
"You know, the super-soldier."
"Ah, Gerrard."
"He'll need a guardian to keep the Phyrexians away from him. The golem will do."
"What about the Weatherlight?"
"Oh, the flying, planeswalking ship and core of the Yawgmoth-thumping Legacy Weapon powered by the collapsed energies of the corrupted Serra's Realm and built through an alliance of Tolarian mechanical engineering and Yavimayan life force that I haven't had a chance to mention yet? Make him captain."
"He doesn't want to be captain."
"He'll come around."
"The current captain's been kidnapped. He and the ship have gone off to Rath to find her."
"It'll be good practice for when the Phyrexians merge that plane with Dominaria."
"What?"
"Nothing. How'd they do?"
"Well, that Crovax guy fell overboard, and the ship's escaped to Mercadia. Crovax seems to have gone bit native. Oh, and something about Keldons. Probably nothing important."
"Right. Yawgmoth's a-knocking. Time for me to get going. This time I've got nine robots. He's gonna feel this kick in the...."
"They're invading. Wait a second, they've brought Rath with them."
"I'm sure the Weatherlight'll do just fine. I hear they're doing brilliantly, nobody dead or anything! Not even one! Especially not your daughter!... Barrin? Hmm. Guess I'm still not a people person."
"Hey again, Urza"
"Yawgmoth! We meet at last!"
"We've met loads of times."
"...Yeah. That's what I meant."
"I know you did."
"Glad somebody understands me."
"Of course I do."
"You know, you're an alright guy. Sorry about those last few, uh... what comes after 'millennia?'"
"It's alright. Hey, look who's here? It's your old buddy Gerrard."
"Hey Gerrard."
"Yo."
"Now, why don't you two fight for me?"
"Sure thing, boss. Uh, boss? Gerrard killed me."
"No, I only decapitated you. Okay, Yawgmoth, make with the babe."
"Will me in drag do?"
"That wasn't our deal! I quit! And I'm taking the head!"
"Hey Gerrard, how about we blow Dominaria up? That'd show Yawgmoth what ho."
"No, that'd just be moronic."
"Okay, try this. Take my eyes out and put them into Karn's chest. That way you, me, him and the Weatherlight will combine probably somehow and wipe Yawgmoth out. It's so logical it has to work."
"Well, okay.... but if Karn becomes a planeswalker and the rest of us all die I'm gonna kick you in the...."
Hakim: Northern Jamuraa is a land of rich history and powerful magic— Leshrac: I want the Spells of Mirage to spread Phyrexian havoc! Hakim: You and your new-fangled videogame-canon. Stick with the cards! Leshrac: The cards have stories? Hakim: In a time long ago and far, far away— Glissa: You’re talking fantasy in Dominaria, not science fiction on Mirrodin! Hakim: As I was saying, long ago the cards had a story to tell. Let me read them for you. Teferi: Yay! I’m meddling again! Hakim: (*clears his throat*) There were the nations of Suq’Ata, Femeref, and Zhalfir— Teferi: And . . . there goes the time streams . . . Hakim: But war was beginning between these three nations . . . Teferi: . . . but I discovered phasing! (*phases out*) Jolrael: Where’d Teferi’s island go? Mangara: I don’t know, but let’s become allies and find out. Kaervek: I’ll join, too, since we need a villain! Jabari: There’s so much fighting on Jamuraa! Mangara: Let me use my exceptional diplomacy skills and good character to set things right! Here, I’ll set up an elf city as a buffer between nations! Zhalfirins: Yay! Mangara’s Harmony! An Age of Peace! Telim'Tor: Hey, nice work, Mangara! Suq’Ata will trade with you! Asmira: You’re a good man, Mangara. Hakim: And in all honesty, he really wasn’t that bad. Kaervek: Stupid green-and-white-aligned good-guys! Hakim: I’m sorry, Mangara’s strictly white-aligned. Kaervek: What? He’s in with the Quirion elves! Hakim: R&D made him a white card. Check out the future sometime. Teferi: (*phases in*) The future? How do you do that? I’ve only managed to begin unraveling the time-streams! (*phases out*) Kaervek: I’m bored. Let’s start war. Jolrael: You want my help? Kaervek: You hate people, remember? Let me use your jungle and your animals to kill people. Jolrael: Grrr! I’m the sexy, scantily-clad jungle woman! Teferi: (*phases in*) Look! I’m back! Jabari: To war! Teferi: Um . . . nevermind (*phases out*) Kondo: Me, too! I am around at this point, right? Hakim: Maybe not. The Mirage Wars may span up to two centuries. Guff: I could tell you. I do have my library. But I wouldn’t want to ruin perfectly secret continuity information, so I’ll leave it vague! Gerrard: Kondo, you may be alive at this point. If you are around, so am I. And if I am, I’m in the beginning stages of my life. Onward to heroism! Karn: Protected by me. Vuel: Hi. Hakim: So Kaervek started a war. They became called the Mirage Wars. Perhaps because Jamuraa has such tropical weather. And it’s so exotic. Keldons: We’ll remember that when we need to invade you later! Teferi: (*phases in*) I’ve almost got the hang of it . . . Kaervek: Now let’s get rid of Mangara Mangara: What’s this? I’m stuck in amber! Hakim: And the war raged on. Hivis: Death to humans! Zirilan: All power to Viashino and dragons! Jolrael: I wonder if this is the right thing to do . . . Teferi: Damn! Wrong again! I sure hope this doesn’t end up causing temporal rifts and all kinds of apocalyptic doom! (*phases out*) Shauku: I’m lurking . . . Leshrac: I’m pretending to be the Lord of the Wastes! Look at my halo of flame! Croag: But it could be me, couldn't it? Right? I glow red and am part of the Inner Circle . . . but I guess no one will ever know! Sisay: The Lord of the Wastes is out to get me! Hakim: And there was more war. Jabari: For Zhalfir! To battle against the demon and animal hordes! Council: The Council of Voices in Femeref were killed by the Spirit of the Night! Jamuraans: Ahhhh! Teferi: (*phases in*) Oh, look, I’m back! Damn, Jamuraa’s a mess. Jolrael: I should turn on Kaervek. This is bad. Oh, look, Teferi’s back. Help us! Teferi: I have to pay attention to time. Here, I’ll guide you all through dreams. Hakim: Visions, if you will. Asmira: Hey, I had a dream . . . Mangara’s in the jungle. In amber. Rashida: I had a dream . . . and I hate dragons. Asmira, I’ll follow you! Jabari: I had a dream . . . follow me to victory! Hakim: I, too, had a dream . . . so I followed Jabari and told a story and help lead us to victory. Sisay: Look! There’s a visionary woman. Let’s go check it out. Tahngarth: This flying ship is pretty cool. Gerrard: If Sisay’s around, I’ve gotta be around! I’m growing up! Vuel: We’re such good step-brothers. Starke: Time to make brothers fight! The winner will be fit for Phyrexian implants and alterations! Gix: This has so been done before. Copy-cat! Leshrac: I thought I was Phyrexia’s representative now . . . Starke: We must be working simultaneously. You should be focusing on Corondor and that Planeswalker War. Leshrac: Really? Did that start yet? Ravidel: (*activates the moxen*) Ah, the Mox Beacon: come to me, planeswalkers! Leshrac: I am the Cosmic Ferret of Dooooom! Asmira: Sisay, please fly us to Mangara! Rashida: But be careful, he’ll probably be surrounded by bad guys! Jabari: Keep fighting! Teferi: (*singing*) De duh dum dum . . . Jolrael: Kaervek, I defy you! Kaervek: Fine, I’ll leave you behind! Asmira: There it is! I’ll go free Mangara! Purraj: Surprise! Dance the Song of Blood with me! Rashida: Look! A dragon mask! Let’s fight after I put it on! Asmira: I’ll sacrifice myself! Mangara: It feels so good not to be so cramped! Shauku: I don’t remember the amber shrinking last time it had someone. And I don’t think they needed to sacrifice themselves to free the last captive in amber . . . Mangara: I must go battle Kaervek! Kaervek: Die! Mangara: Haha! Now you’re caught! Teferi: See, everything works out. Hakim: And Teferi stabilized the time-streams. Sisay: And I went on to have more adventures. Vuel: And I turned Phyrexian. Purraj: And my fate is unknown. Mwigo: You don't even know who I am. Rashida: I died. Jabari: I survived. Konda: I’m killed by my son shortly hereafter. Kaervek: I’m stuck in amber. Gerrard: Wanna know my story? Mangara: Back to Corondor, just in time for a Planeswalker’s War. Jolrael: Time to go back into isolation until Teferi asks for my help again. Teferi: I keep having this bad feeling about the time-streams . . . Hakim: And Jamuraa was quiet for a while . . . Latulla: The Keldon Twilight is approaching! Bow before the Keldons! Mageta: Roar! Hakim: I’m sorry, I couldn’t possibly end the story on that note . . . And so, the Mirage Wars came to an end, and Jamuraa faced many more difficulties in the decades to come. Teferi: And the moral of the story: Your actions all have consequences. My actions scored me a lead role in a whole trilogy!
PROLOGUE
Konda: Okay, I’ve conquered all the interesting bits in the world. So now I wanna be immortal and rule over it all for ever and ever.
Meloku: You can do that by nicking a Kami from the spirit world.
Konda: Awesome! Fluffy, go find out how to steal a kami from the spirit world!
9-Tails: My name is not Fluffy. I’m the honorable sensei 9-tails.
Konda: Hey, I’m the sodding Daimyo. If I call you Fluffy, your name is Fluffy.
9-Tails Fluffy: *sigh* Yes daimyo. But why would you want to steal a Kami from the spirit realm? It would cause great harm to come to the world!
Konda: I… er… want to know how it’s done from a completely hypothetical point of view?
Fluffy : Oh, okay then, here’s a scroll with all the details. You need a birth as a catalyst though.
Konda: …that can be arranged. Takeno, prepare the master bedroom for me and my wife. It’s baby making time!
Fluffy : But you said you wouldn’t do it!
Konda: Yeah, well… I lied.
Fluffy : I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming! I’m so ashamed, I’ll cut of half my tail and call myself 8.5 Tails from now on!
Konda: Did I give you permission to change your name again?
TWENTY YEARS LATER
Michiko: The Kami War started at the same time I was born. I feel the need to investigate!
Pearl-Ear: Well, you can’t. Sharp-Ear, make sure she doesn’t leave.
Sharp-Ear: Whatever.
Choryu: Hey Michiko, lets ditch this tosser and go to Minamo!
Michiko: Okay!
Sharp-Ear: I’m a tosser, eh? Man I hope something horribly happens to that kid [/foreshadowing]. Anyway, lets lure them to the kitsune village instead.
MEANWHILE
Toshi: I’m just a ronin with a suspiciously familiar last name, minding my own business.
Moonfolk: DIE!
Toshi: Gah! Hidetsugu, why do they want me dead?
Hidetsugu: I dunno, but this kami wanted you dead as well. Go to Numai and kill some monks until they tell you whats going on. Take my new apprentice along.
Toshi: Riiiiiight… Hey look, it’s the Mario brothers!
Brothers Yamazaki: Hey! You aren’t allowed to interfere with our very cool plot! Send some Kami to kill them before they destroy our army! Umezawa’s tend to do that a lot.
Kobo: SMASH KAMI!
Toshi: Hmmm, I wonder what their very cool plot is. Anyway, of to the Numai!
MEANWHILE, AT THE KITSUNE VILLAGE
Pearl-Ear: What the hell? I thought I told you lot to stay in Eiganjo!
Sharp-Ear: Meh.
Michiko: Now that we’re here anyway, we might as well go ask the Orochi if they know anything about my involvement in this war!
Sharp-Ear: Why would they know anything about that?
Michiko: Eh…
Brothers Yamazaki: Phew, thank god we got away from that ronin and that kid with all the scars. Hey, a kitsune village! Let’s crush it on our way to our cool plot!
Captain Nagao: I’ll help out!
Brothers Yamazaki’s army: SMASH!
Captain Nagao: *is dead*
Sharp-Ear: *shoots Yamazaki brother in the ear* Everybody important to the plot into the forest!
Michiko: Now lets go and find those Orochi!
Sharp-Ear: What is it with you and those Orochi?
Michiko: Eh… look, people!
Kobo: SMASH!
Toshi: No you oaf, those aren’t monks!
Orochi: Hi!
Michiko: Hey, Orochi!
Admiral Ackbar: IT’S A TRAP!
Orochi: *poison everyone*
Choryu: Hey, I’m up before anyone else. What shall I do now? I know, I´ll drown this guy!
Kobo: Blub.
Toshi: Well ****. Hidetsugu is not gonna be happy about that. I’d better hide in a cave. Might as well take the princess along.
Mochi: Hi!
Toshi: GAH, an obese smurf!
Mochi: Work for me!
Myojin of Night’s Reach: I’ll pay twice the fee he gives you.
Michiko: Hey Toshi, wanna work for me too?
Toshi Ka-ching!
Orochi: Ooma-chucka Ooma-chucka Ooma-chucka
Myojin of Life’s Web: Must. Kill. Princess!
Toshi: STFU!
Orochi: *silent*
Myojin of Life’s Web: Noooooooooo! *is defeated*
Choryu: Hi Michiko!
Toshi: *sticks Kanji to Choryu’s face*
Hidetsugu: Hey, a water mage just dropped out of the air.
Choryu: Where am I?
Hidetsugu: Take out the hot pokers, it’s torturing time!
Choryu: Oh [beep] on a [beep] sandwich with [beep] on top!
Toshi: Where the hell am I now?
Imawori: You’re in on of the online vignettes!
Toshi: Riiiiiight. You know what, I’ll just stick you in a cage and get back to the regular story.
Imawori: HEY!
Michiko: I can’t believe my dad grounded me!
Isamaru: WOOF!
Michiko: What did you say Isamaru? Toshi fell down a well?
Isamaru: WOOF!
Michiko: Oh, I should ask Toshi for help! That’s a good idea!
Kiku: Toshi, Boss Uramon wants you to work for her!
Toshi: Don’t really feel like it, but if you and Marow-Gnawer don’t become members of the Hyozan Reckoners I’ll sick the Yuki-Onna on you.
Michiko: Toshi, get me out of here!
Hidetsugu: Toshi, help me avenge Kobo!
Toshi: Jeez, you people certainly keep my busy. I’d better nick this device from Uramon that allows me to teleport!
Michiko: Thanks for saving me!
Toshi: You’re welcome. Now, don’t go to Minamo, Hidetsugu is going to destroy it.
Michiko: What did you say? I couldn’t hear you as I was busy making plans to go to Minamo!
Toshi:
Captain Nagao: I’ll come with you!
Michiko: Weren’t you dead?
Captain Nagao: Eh… I got better?
O-Kagachi: Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! I’m gonna kill everyone in Eiganjo!
Refugees: *run away*
Brothers Yamazaki: Hey look! Refugees! Let’s destroy them on the way to our cool plan!
Refugees: Oh bother.
Sharp-Ear: What the hell? Didn’t that online vignette say you two where going back to your village after I shot one of you in the ear in the last book?
Brothers Yamazaki: You are going to argue about continuity with us? You’re not even in this scene!
Sharp-Ear: … Touché…
Michiko: Hisoka, tell me what happened on the day I was born!
Hisoka: Well, the first stage of childbirth are the contractions, and…
Michiko: Not that! The stuff about the start of the Kami War and all!
Hidetsugu: BOOGABOOGABOOGA!
Captain Nagao: *is dead again*
Hisoka: Don’t kill me! I look to much like mister Miyagi to die!
Hidetsugu: *chomp*
Mochi: Why don’t I tell you what happened on the day you where born?
Toshi: *freezes Mochi and puts That Which Was Taken in his hands*
Michiko: What the hell did you do that for?
Toshi: He’s a villain. Now either Hidetsugu is gonna kill him now, or O-Kagachi will eat him later.
Michiko: He’s a villain?
Toshi: Hey, it makes more sense in the actual book. I can’t help it that Kamigawa is far to densely plotted for a good summary!
Michiko: Yeah, or Squirle just sucks at this.
The Squirle master: Hey!
Captain Nagao: Turns out I’m not dead afterall!
Michiko: You’re a bit of a one-trick pony aren’t you?
Toshi: ‘kay, so the Myojin of Night’s Reach has gotten my out from under the Hyozan oath and Hidetsugu is a bit out of control. I’d better round up the other Hyozans to fight Hidetsugu.
Kiku: *hic*
Toshi: Are you drunk?
Kiku: Yeah. Oh, and I’m now an all powerful shadow being of sorts.
Toshi: …
Bow chicka bow-wow
Toshi: Baby, was that as good for you as it was for me?
Kiku: I’m going to get a nezumi to write your name on all of their urinals so that for years to come rats will piss over you. Metaphorically speaking.
Toshi: That bad? Perhaps I need to ask the Myojin for another blessing… But first, its time to fight Hidetsugu!
Marrow-Gnawer: I’ll stab him in the eyes!
Toshi: Eh… the Hyozan oath wasn’t really broken yet.
Marrow-Gnawer: You ass. *is dead*
Toshi: Okay, now Kiku is off in some shadow dimension, Hidetsugu went to kick him Oni’s ass for not kicking O-Kagachi’s ass and I have That Which Was Taken again.
Myojin of Night’s Reach: What are you doing in my Honden?
Toshi: Well, my sexual performance is apparently not entirely up to snuff, so I was wondering…
Myojin of Night’s Reach: You brought That Which Was Taken here? You moron! You’re fired!
Toshi: Crap.
Michiko: Hey Toshi, what’ve you got there?
Toshi: The reason this whole war started.
Michiko: Yoink!
That Which Was Taken: *turns into Kyodai*
O-Kagachi: *attacks*
Kyodai: Michiko, distract him while I charge a spirit bomb for 45 episodes!
Scott McGough: Oh come on! It wasn’t that DragonBall Z-ish!
The Squirle master: Sorry
O-Kagachi: *is dead*
Konda: *Is turned to stone and crumbled to dust while still conscious*
Mochi: *is fed to Hidetsugu/Oni of All-Consuming Chaos hybrid*
Toshi Well, looks like we’ve got ourselves a happy end!
Myojin of Night’s Reach: Time for revenge!
Toshi: Me and my big mouth.
Myojin of Night’s Reach: Here, I’ll drop you on this other plane!
Toshi: This is not so bad…
Myojin of Night’s Reach: Oh isn’t it? *poke*
Toshi: AAH, my eyes! Oh you’re going to regret that! One of my descendants will kill an elder dragon planeswalker, and then my family line will die out, and then when the dragon comes back to life you will be the only one left who is indirectly responsible for his death, and then he’ll whoop you so hard in his quest for vengeance that you’ll have to ask a mostly pre-rev planeswalker for help!
Myojin of Night’s Reach: … Suuuuuuuuure.
THE END!
Brothers Yamazaki: Wait a minute, why didn’t we get to show our cool plan?
Scott McGough: Sorry guys, I was told that it would be shown in one of those online vignette’s, but apparently that plan was scrapped.
Brothers Yamazaki: Dommermuuuuuuuuuth!
(about the English language) It's kinda like a raft that was cobbled together from parts of three different boats and since then has been kept barely afloat with crude repairs every time a leak appeared.
A Reduced Taysir Company post sounds interesting....
"That Yawgmoth guy is respulsive. Science over Magic. As a Thran, I find that offensive."
"Yeah but we're dying of pthisis. Let's give him a chance. What could go wrong?"
"He's turning us into monsters, that's what. The rest of the world is getting antsy."
"Don't worry, he's declared war on them. He'll wipe them out."
"He just wiped us out along with them. Nice one."
"Hey Mishra, there's this neat cave out the way that looks like it was made by that ancient, long-lost Thran race."
"Cool, Urza, let's check it out."
"This stone is glowing. I'll take it back to the camp and study it."
"I'll take it back for you."
"That's okay."
"No, I insist."
"You idiot, you broke it!"
"No, you broke it! It was half mine anyway!"
"I hate you!"
"I hate you more!"
"My stone's better!"
"That's it! I'm out of here!"
"See if I care, Mishra! I'm going to marry into royalty to study these Thran guys some more."
"Yeah? Well I'm going to lead a tribe of desert nomads to crush your civilisation! Hey, neat, I found a dragon robot."
"Yeah? Well I'm going to... wait, a robot? Neat! I mean, no, that's crap compared to my stuff!"
"This is war! Bags that last island!"
"I saw it first! Wait a second.... you're not Mishra! You're a Phyrexian! KHAAAANNNNNNN!"
"....Whoops."
"Nice one, Urza."
"Shut up, Yawgmoth. I didn't know the bang would be that big. Anyway, you're stuck out here too. Neither of us can get into Dominaria now."
"You know what I'm gonna do to you now?"
"I still have one robot! Take this! ...Oww."
"Didn't feel it."
"Crap! Serra! Help!"
"Oh, wow. A plane of pure happy. This is gonna be fun."
"Right, you stay right here then, I'll just have a look over here.... Hey Dominaria's open. Damn it Freyalise! Now I have to start all over again! Well, I blew up my only doomsday cylex. I bet an army of robots will do. Hurry up and get born, Barrin."
"What?"
"Ah there you are. I need a school to train wizards and artificers and stuff. I'm not a people person, though - heck I've killed more of them than have been born since - so you'll be the headmaster."
"Um, okay..."
"Oh yeah, and I want to go back in time to stop that awful Yawgmoth fellow from being able to beat the stuffing out of my robots and artificers. Heck, if I do this right I'll end up not even having to."
"You'll be needing a silver golem then. Here's one."
"Never mind, I just blew up the time machine."
"What'll I do with the golem?"
"Well, there's this kid I recently orphaned."
"Be more specific."
"You know, the super-soldier."
"Ah, Gerrard."
"He'll need a guardian to keep the Phyrexians away from him. The golem will do."
"What about the Weatherlight?"
"Oh, the flying, planeswalking ship and core of the Yawgmoth-thumping Legacy Weapon powered by the collapsed energies of the corrupted Serra's Realm and built through an alliance of Tolarian mechanical engineering and Yavimayan life force that I haven't had a chance to mention yet? Make him captain."
"He doesn't want to be captain."
"He'll come around."
"The current captain's been kidnapped. He and the ship have gone off to Rath to find her."
"It'll be good practice for when the Phyrexians merge that plane with Dominaria."
"What?"
"Nothing. How'd they do?"
"Well, that Crovax guy fell overboard, and the ship's escaped to Mercadia. Crovax seems to have gone bit native. Oh, and something about Keldons. Probably nothing important."
"Right. Yawgmoth's a-knocking. Time for me to get going. This time I've got nine robots. He's gonna feel this kick in the...."
"They're invading. Wait a second, they've brought Rath with them."
"I'm sure the Weatherlight'll do just fine. I hear they're doing brilliantly, nobody dead or anything! Not even one! Especially not your daughter!... Barrin? Hmm. Guess I'm still not a people person."
"Hey again, Urza"
"Yawgmoth! We meet at last!"
"We've met loads of times."
"...Yeah. That's what I meant."
"I know you did."
"Glad somebody understands me."
"Of course I do."
"You know, you're an alright guy. Sorry about those last few, uh... what comes after 'millennia?'"
"It's alright. Hey, look who's here? It's your old buddy Gerrard."
"Hey Gerrard."
"Yo."
"Now, why don't you two fight for me?"
"Sure thing, boss. Uh, boss? Gerrard killed me."
"No, I only decapitated you. Okay, Yawgmoth, make with the babe."
"Will me in drag do?"
"That wasn't our deal! I quit! And I'm taking the head!"
"Hey Gerrard, how about we blow Dominaria up? That'd show Yawgmoth what ho."
"No, that'd just be moronic."
"Okay, try this. Take my eyes out and put them into Karn's chest. That way you, me, him and the Weatherlight will combine probably somehow and wipe Yawgmoth out. It's so logical it has to work."
"Well, okay.... but if Karn becomes a planeswalker and the rest of us all die I'm gonna kick you in the...."
This was awesome man!
So basicaly, if you can define this like that, that's what happened from Brothers War to Apocalypse. Thanks so much! Just one more thing:
- What about the Elder Dragons like Nicol Bolas? He was a planeswalker wasn't him?
(about the English language) It's kinda like a raft that was cobbled together from parts of three different boats and since then has been kept barely afloat with crude repairs every time a leak appeared.
Someone tell VestDan, he'd get a kick out of this.
"Well, there's this kid I recently orphaned."
"Be more specific."
"You know, the super-soldier."
"Ah, Gerrard."
Priceless. And I would love some more of these.
I just tried to write one for mirroden, got to the part where Glissa meets the leonin and realized it wasn't that good, hmm....I'll just wait for the "official one"
Private Mod Note
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Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
~shroomofinsanity
The everpresent fungus among us.
Oh, and something about Keldons. Probably nothing important.
Yes.
I welcome someone to try Onslaught block this way, but it would probably make MORE sense than the actual story. As for pre-Mirage sets, some of them didn't have real STORYLINES, so much as just being settings. If you wanna know Mirage War stuff, Zazdor is the guy to ask. He still exists on occasion (he got so engrossed in Mirage Block storyline, Teferi gave him phasing).
Well when you have characters like the ones in Mirroden, you get this:
"Hi, I'm Glissa and I like to smash things and run alot."
"Me Slobad, me talk like moron but am really smart."
"I'm Bosh, I was developed quite well, everyone liked me, and I was killed so the fleshier characters would matter again, but they still didn't."
"We ran around Mirroden a few times, were almost killed by an insane crab legged demigod and his minnions and fought alot, who needs a coherent plot?"
"I'm Geth and I only mattered in the third book, where I became the comic relief and still mattered more than the main cast."
Edit: all kidding aside, I did like Geth in 5th Dawn. I thought he was funny and more or less kept the story together. He also uttered one of my favorite lines in the whole block:
Glissa looked to her left. Raksha was crouched in a shadowed alcove, holding Geth's head by teh ears so the necromancer's eyes could stay on the nim. Glissa's eyes widened and a silly grin spread across her face.
"Told you I was the best damned necromancer on this plane," Geth hissed with glee. "BOdy or no body. Just took me awhile to get them to listen."
I don't know what it is about that line, but I love it.
Hello, all! I do stop by to look around now and again. As for Mirage block . . . perhaps a book-a-minute (remember those, VestDan?) blurb would be entertaining. You never know what I'll come up with, or when . . .
[*Zazdor phases out*]
Private Mod Note
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Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Dominian Scholar of the Old Guard, specializing in pre-revisionist (Armada comics) and revisionist (Brothers' War through Apocalypse)history
A Reduced Taysir Company post sounds interesting....
"He doesn't want to be captain."
"He'll come around."
It was this synopsis that finally made me register here.
John_D, you are my hero.
I would have added a few lines about Yawgmoth and the Thran in the beginning, but that might have spoiled it. Great job on this. It was extremely entertaining!
Mirages, Visions, and More! A Synopsis of Mirage, Visions, and a bit Moore! (Not at all comparable to John D's amazing original!)
HAKIM: Northern Jamuraa is a land of rich history and powerful magic— LESHRAC: I want the Spells of Mirage to spread Phyrexian havoc! HAKIM: You and your new-fangled videogame-canon. Stick with the cards! LESHRAC: The cards have stories? HAKIM: In a time long ago and far, far away— GLISSA: You’re talking fantasy in Dominaria, not science fiction on Mirrodin! HAKIM: As I was saying, long ago the cards had a story to tell. Let me read them for you. TEFERI: Yay! I’m meddling again! HAKIM: (*clears his throat*) There were the nations of Suq’Ata, Femeref, and Zhalfir— TEFERI: And . . . there goes the time streams . . . HAKIM: But war was beginning between these three nations . . . TEFERI: . . . but I discovered phasing! (*phases out*) JOLRAEL: Where’d Teferi’s island go? MANGARA: I don’t know, but let’s become allies and find out. KAERVEK: I’ll join, too, since we need a villain! JABARI: There’s so much fighting on Jamuraa! MANGARA: Let me use my exceptional diplomacy skills and good character to set things right! Here, I’ll set up an elf city as a buffer between nations! ZHALFIRANS: Yay! Mangara’s Harmony! An Age of Peace! TELIM’TOR: Hey, nice work, Mangara! Suq’Ata will trade with you! ASMIRA: You’re a good man, Mangara. HAKIM: And in all honesty, he really wasn’t that bad. KAERVEK: Stupid green-and-white-aligned good-guys! HAKIM: I’m sorry, Mangara’s strictly white-aligned. KAERVEK: What? He’s in with the Quirion elves! HAKIM: R&D made him a white card. Check out the future sometime. TEFERI: (*phases in*) The future? How do you do that? I’ve only managed to begin unraveling the time-streams! (*phases out*) KAERVEK: I’m bored. Let’s start war. JOLRAEL: You want my help? KAERVEK: You hate people, remember? Let me use your jungle and your animals to kill people. JOLRAEL: Grrr! I’m the sexy, scantily-clad jungle woman! TEFERI: (*phases in*) Look! I’m back! JABARI: To war! TEFERI: Um . . . nevermind (*phases out*) KONDO: Me, too! I am around at this point, right? HAKIM: Maybe not. The Mirage Wars may span up to two centuries. GUFF: I could tell you. I do have my library. But I wouldn’t want to ruin perfectly secret continuity information, so I’ll leave it vague! GERRARD: Kondo, you may be alive at this point. If you are around, so am I. And if I am, I’m in the beginning stages of my life. Onward to heroism! KARN: Protected by me. VUEL: Hi. HAKIM: So Kaervek started a war. They became called the Mirage Wars. Perhaps because Jamuraa has such tropical weather. And it’s so exotic. KELDONS: We’ll remember that when we need to invade you later! TEFERI: (*phases in*) I’ve almost got the hang of it . . . KAERVEK: Now let’s get rid of Mangara MANGARA: What’s this? I’m stuck in amber! HAKIM: And the war raged on. HIVIS: Death to humans! ZIRILAN: All power to Viashino and dragons! JOLRAEL: I wonder if this is the right thing to do . . . TEFERI: Damn! Wrong again! I sure hope this doesn’t end up causing temporal rifts and all kinds of apocalyptic doom! (*phases out*) SHAUKU: I’m lurking . . . LESHRAC: I’m pretending to be the Lord of the Wastes! Look at my halo of flame! CROAG: But it could be me, couldn't it? Right? I glow red and am part of the Inner Circle . . . but I guess no one will ever know! SISAY: The Lord of the Wastes is out to get me! HAKIM: And there was more war. JABARI: For Zhalfir! To battle against the demon and animal hordes! COUNCIL: The Council of Voices in Femeref were killed by the Spirit of the Night! JAMURAANS: Ahhhh! TEFERI: (*phases in*) Oh, look, I’m back! Damn, Jamuraa’s a mess. JOLRAEL: I should turn on Kaervek. This is bad. Oh, look, Teferi’s back. Help us! TEFERI: I have to pay attention to time. Here, I’ll guide you all through dreams. HAKIM: Visions, if you will. ASMIRA: Hey, I had a dream . . . Mangara’s in the jungle. In amber. RASHIDA: I had a dream . . . and I hate dragons. Asmira, I’ll follow you! JABARI: I had a dream . . . follow me to victory! HAKIM: I, too, had a dream . . . so I followed Jabari and told a story and help lead us to victory. SISAY: Look! There’s a visionary woman. Let’s go check it out. TAHNGARTH: This flying ship is pretty cool. GERRARD: If Sisay’s around, I’ve gotta be around! I’m growing up! VUEL: We’re such good step-brothers. STARKE: Time to make brothers fight! The winner will be fit for Phyrexian implants and alterations! GIX: This has so been done before. Copy-cat! LESHRAC: I thought I was Phyrexia’s representative now . . . STARKE: We must be working simultaneously. You should be focusing on Corondor and that Planeswalker War. LESHRAC: Really? Did that start yet? RAVIDEL: (*activates the moxen*) Ah, the Mox Beacon: come to me, planeswalkers! LESHRAC: I am the Cosmic Ferret of Dooooom! ASMIRA: Sisay, please fly us to Mangara! RASHIDA: But be careful, he’ll probably be surrounded by bad guys! JABARI: Keep fighting! TEFERI: (*singing*) De duh dum dum . . . JOLRAEL: Kaervek, I defy you! KAERVEK: Fine, I’ll leave you behind! ASMIRA: There it is! I’ll go free Mangara! PURRAJ: Surprise! Dance the Song of Blood with me! RASHIDA: Look! A dragon mask! Let’s fight after I put it on! ASMIRA: I’ll sacrifice myself! MANGARA: It feels so good not to be so cramped! SHAUKU: I don’t remember the amber shrinking last time it had someone. And I don’t think they needed to sacrifice themselves to free the last captive in amber . . . MANGARA: I must go battle Kaervek! KAERVEK: Die! MANGARA: Haha! Now you’re caught! TEFERI: See, everything works out. HAKIM: And Teferi stabilized the time-streams. SISAY: And I went on to have more adventures. VUEL: And I turned Phyrexian. PURRAJ: And my fate is unknown. MWIGO: You don't even know who I am. RASHIDA: I died. JABARI: I survived. KONDA: I’m killed by my son shortly hereafter. KAERVEK: I’m stuck in amber. GERRARD: Wanna know my story? MANGARA: Back to Corondor, just in time for a Planeswalker’s War. JOLRAEL: Time to go back into isolation until Teferi asks for my help again. TEFERI: I keep having this bad feeling about the time-streams . . . HAKIM: And Jamuraa was quiet for a while . . . LATULLA: The Keldon Twilight is approaching! Bow before the Keldons! MAGETA: Roar! HAKIM: I’m sorry, I couldn’t possibly end the story on that note . . . And so, the Mirage Wars came to an end, and Jamuraa faced many more difficulties in the decades to come. TEFERI: And the moral of the story: Your actions all have consequences. My actions scored me a lead role in a whole trilogy!
Part I - Odyssey Kamahl - "Gonna whip some ass!" Chainer - "Hi, I'm Chainer. I'll become one of the most popular characters in a long while, but right now I'm just filler." Kamahl - "Cool! Gonna smash!" Chainer - "Not yet. There are certain rules and regulations we have to go through first ..." Pit-Fighters - ::smashing:: Kamahl - "Smash!" Chainer - "Yeah, those are those rules I was talking about. You're a quick learner. Gee, this could really get old if this goes on for more than three books. Anyway, let's see what you can do." Kamahl - "Smash!" Pit-Fighter - "I'm smashed." Kirtar - "I'm a very important character who surely won't die anytime soon." Laquatus - "I'm scheming! That's what I do, I'm a schemer!" Turg - "Hungry." Laquatus - "Go fight." Dragon - "ROOOOOOOARER!" Turg - "Too hungry to care." Laquatus - "Curses!" Chainer - "L8er!" Kirtar - "Smash! Kamahl - "Oh no you didn't! That's my line!" ::chases after Kirtar:: Kirtar - ::smashes dragon:: Kamahl - ::smashes dragon:: Dragon - "Oh noes!" ::falls on top of Kamahl:: Patriarch - "I'm not actually here, but I'll be retconned into the story in a little while. Anyway, here's this shiny metal ball as a token of saving our city." Kirtar - "W00t!" ::leaves:: Kamahl - "Finally got this dragon off me. Where's Kirtar?! Nobody smashes anything before I do!" Chainer - "He left. The Patriarch gave him this shiny ball, too." Kamahl - "Well, that's okay, then. Wait, you said it was shiny?" Chainer - "None shinier." Kamahl - "It must be mine!" Laquatus - "Mine, too! But I'll pretend to be everybody's friend and get the ball for myself!" Braids - "Does anybody want to tell him that nobody's falling for it?" Patriarch - "Not yet, let's just let him have his moment." Kirtar - "Yes! My very own shiny ball! Now I can topple to Cabal!" Pianna - "That would be a bad idea. As the only rational person in this entire storyline, I'm going to advise that we just destroy that thing." Post-Apocalypse Continuity - "Dur, pwetty birdie! Hur hur!" Kirtar - "As someone with an IQ in the triple digits, you are far too unreliable for this storyline! Die!" Pianna - "Blargh!" Order Soldiers - "Oh, no! The boss is dead!" Kamahl - "What?" Order Soldiers - "Hey, he must have something to do with it! He has a sword!" Kamahl - "Crap. SMASH!" Order Soldiers - ::are smashed:: Kirtar - "There you are! Die! What's that?" ::dies:: Kamahl - "Sweet. Mine now!" ::gets Mirari:: "My own. My precious!" Tolkien - ::rolls over:: Turg - "I'll take that!" ::takes that:: Kamahl - "Crap!" Laquatus - "Sweet! Pays to have minions. Here, take this somewhere." Minion - "Dur, okay." ::takes to Aboshan:: Aboshan - "Yeah, throw it over there. I'm also a character that will be of tremendous importance throughout this entire story." Kamahl - "Well, I can't breathe underwater, so I guess I'm out of luck. I'll go do something useful, like fighting." Laquatus - "Okay, now where'd it go?" Minion - "Gave to squid-king!" Laquatus - "Bollocks." Braids - "I'm digging! I'm not really much of a digger, and am in fact far too important to the Cabal to be wasting my time digging, but the plot must survive!" Laquatus - "Hey, can I have that thing?" Aboshan - "No. It's an attack!" Kamahl - "Smash!" Aboshan - "You aren't here." Kamahl - "I don't have to be. I can smash from thousands of miles away." Aboshan - "Oh. Well, thanks for that." Post-Apocalypse Continuity - "We r teh smart!" Aboshan - "I'm tired of getting attacked. Maybe I have something that can make that not happen. Ooh, shiny ball!" Laquatus - "Crap." Llawan - "Ph34r!" Aboshan - "Oh no! Run! Wait, I'm too important to die!" Laquatus - ::kills Aboshan:; Aboshan - "Guess not." Laquatus - "Mine at last." Braids - "Hey, I'll save you if you give me that." Laquatus - "Man ..." Turg - ::dies:: Kamahl - "What's that? Oh noes! It's a tidal wave!"
Part II - Chainer's Torment Chainer - "Hey look, a shiny ball!" Kamahl - "Wait, how did you get it?" Chainer - "This is all flashback." Kamahl - "Oh. What happened with the tidal wave." Chainer - "Wait for it." Kamahl - "Right. But how did you get it?" Chainer - "Sigh. It's magic." Kamahl - "Kamahl SMASH confusing magic!" Teroh - "I'm another all-important character. Give me that." Chainer - "No!" Teroh - "Okay. After him!" Chainer - "Runses!" Skellum - "I'm one of those characters that's just too awesome to live for an entire book. But I'll save ya." Chainer - "Sweet." Teroh - "Gonna get you for this." Chainer - "Here." Patriarch - "Cool. Thnx." Chainer - "Now I'm gonna pal around with Kamahl." Kamahl - "Happy am I to receive a pal." Skellum - "Gonna train ya!" Chainer - ::trains:: "I'm such a badass." Kamahl - "Okay, I'm gonna go after the shiny thing now." Balthor - "Hey, let's fight!" Jeska - "Yeah!" Chainer - "Okay! Where'd my hand go?" Patriarch - "Ah, my plan is going flawlessly! I've given the most powerful artifact the world has ever seen to my enemies! Damn, I'm smart. Better kill Skellum now." Skellum - "Crap." Chainer - "Oh, that tears it. I'm going on a pilgrimage." Kamahl - "I'm back. I'll go too. Wait, what about the tidal wave." Post-Apocalypse Continuity - ::busy playing World of Warcraft" Chainer - "Guess it wasn't that important. I like snakes." Kamahl - "I like smashing." Chainer - "Here's a badass monster. What's the Patriarch's hidden name." Laquatus - "Dunno. Hang on. Alright, here you go." Chainer - "W00t! You are teh exiled!" Patriarch - "That's okay. This was all part of my plan." Chainer - "...k. I rule everything! Let's go kill that bird guy." Teroh - "Blarg!" Kamahl - "No man should rule everything." Chainer - "I do." Kamahl - "Smash!" Chainer - ::is smashed::
Part III - Judgment Kamahl - "You know, maybe I shouldn't mess around with this thing anymore. It's far too powerful." Gandalf - "You must destroy it in the fires of Mount Doom!" Kamahl - "Hells yeah!" Balthor - "We gotta get rid of that thing." Kamahl - "Where's Mount Doom?" Balthor - "In Krosa." Kamahl - "W00t!" Jeska - "You can't be trusted with that thing." Kamahl - "SMASH sister!" Jeska - ::is smashed, but barely alive:: Kamahl - "Oh no! Let's go to Krosa." Eesha - "Hi! I'm another incredibly important character that surely won't die." Seton - "Sup." Kamahl - "Sup, foo." Seton - "We gotta get rid of that thing." Kamahl - "Word." Thriss - "I am an incredibly ancient and wise creature! I will tell you exactly what to do with that thing." Kamahl - "k." Thriss - "Put it over there." Kamahl - "W00t." Laquatus - "Get him!" Braids - "Yeah, me too!" Eesha - "Yay!" Balthor - "This sucks." Burke - "Grar." ::smashes Balthor:: Kamahl - "What's that? I detect smashing! I must now smash the smasher." Balthor - "Yay, I'm evil now! Gonna get ya!" Laquatus - "Eek!" Kamahl - "Yes! Let us smash as one!" Laquatus - "Wait, I control you now." Balthor - "Sucks." Kamahl - "Oh, the anguish! I, a pupil of Balthor, must now destroy my own master! Oh, the irony! Oh, the humanity! I am at last growing up as a character! SMASH!" Balthor - "Blarg." Laquatus - "Now you must face me in single--" Kamahl - "SMASH!" Laquatus - ::dies:: "Wait, I didn't read that right. I was actually interesting. You can't kill me." Post-Apocalypse Continuity - "Dur, pwetty bird." Laquatus - "Seriously, what are they going to do for the next three books? Whatever, this is dumb." Eesha - "I didn't die! Yay!"
Part IV - Onslaught KING - "I am J. Robert King the Mighty! F*@# continuity! W00t!" Seton - "Watching over a helpless woman. Minding my own business." Braids - "Stabs!" Seton - "Blarg!" Kamahl - "What happened?" Braids - "Hey, here's Kamahl's sister." Patriarch - "Cool. Die!" Jeska - "Hey, I'm not dead. I'm just--" Phage - "--different." Patriarch - "... and hot." Phage - "I must use this newfound lease on life as an excuse to smash as my brother never could!" Ixidor - "Ooh, us first!" Nivea - "Yeah, get some!" Phage - "Die!" Nivea - ::dies:: Ixidor - "Oh no! What's a goofy anime-looking guy to do? I will now wander the desert because of ... something." Kamahl - "Not enough smashing." KING - "I'm getting to that." Ixidor - "Wow, I have powers! I'll make my own nation! And a killer angel! And a big castle! But not a plot. Never a plot." Akroma - "Whee! Die!" Phage - "Oh no!" Kamahl - "I'll save you! SMASH!" Akroma - ::cut in half:: "OW! Still alive, though." Kamahl - "... WHAT?! No one survives my smashings! I swear a blood oath against you!" Phage - "Yeah, uh, me too." Akroma - "Run!" Ixidor - "What happened to you?" Akroma - "Got f^&%ed up!" Ixidor - "Here's a new body. Hmm, wonder if players would still find you attractive if they knew you were a freaky cat-angel-woman. Who cares?" Akroma - "They're coming!" Kamahl - "Get some!" Ixidor - "Better make some shadow guys. That's what you do when you get attacked. You make shadow guys." Phage - "Oh no, I'm going crazy!" Deathwurms - "ROAR! We're scary!" Kamahl - "SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! They're are too many to SMASH!" Jeska - "You have to kill me! It's the only way to stop the continuity clusterf$@% that is to come!" Kamahl - "I can't! You're the one person I could never smash!" Ixidor - "Oh no!" Deathwurm - "Gonna eat ya!" ::eats Ixidor:: Akroma - "No!" Braids - "Yeah, this is just dumb. I'm going home." Deathwurm - "Gonna eat ya too!" Braids - "H0p!"
Part V - Legions Braids - "Whee! This is fun! Fall!" Akroma - "You're mine now!" Phage - "I'm back and I'm evil! Evil evil!" Patriarch - "And hot." Phage - "Yeah, hot too." Patriarch - "Bow chicka bow-wow." Kamahl - "The world is in a sad state. I must forgo my smashing from here on and turn to a life of druid shamanism. L8er." Stonebrow - "I'll take up your cause!" Akroma - "No more Ixidor? Let's kill everybody!" Braids - "Yeah, me too! I'm with you! This will surely be a turning point in my character's life!" Sash - "Boobies!" Waistcoat - "Farting!" Zagorka - "This sucks. Let's make a new home." Stonebrow - "Yeah, Ixidor is overrated. I'm coming too." Phage - "I'm preggers!" Patriarch - "Yeah, I think I'll kill you now." Phage - "Runs! I'll go make a huge coliseum! People haven't had enough pit fighting in the last four books." Kamahl - "Still brooding." Sash - "Still boobies!" Waistcoat - "Still farting!" Averru - "Ha! I'm not just a town! I'm an ancient wizard that will return to destroy the world!" Akroma - "Look! Ixidor's alive! But I have no feet!" Patriarch - "Gonna kill you now." Braids - "Not if I kill you first!" Patriarch - "Blarg!" Phage - "Hey, I wanna hang out with you guys." Zagorka - "k." Phage - "Baby!" Kuberr - "Yes! I'm an ancient wizard that is worshiped as a god, but now I'm a two year old: The target audience for this god-awful storyline!" Akroma - "Getting bored. Let's go kill Phage!" Phage - "Fight!" Akroma - "Fight!" Zagorka - "Fall out of a window!" Kamahl - "My brooding is over! I must set to right all the wrongs I have created! Because, y'know, that's worked so well in the past. Time to kill! But with what? Ooh! The shiny ball! Once and for all: SMASH!" Akroma - "No!" Phage - "Ick!" Zagorka - "Argh!" Sash - "Boobies!" Karoma - "I am Karoma. I am magic!"
Part VI - Scourge Karona - "I am Karona. I am magic!" Kamahl - "Wait, I thought you were Karoma?" Karona - "Typo." Kamahl - "Right." Editor - "Meh." Otarians - "Worship worship worship!" Averru - "We have to stop her before she tears continuity a new one!" Kamahl - "I'll go get Ixidor." Ixidor - "I'm can't go one without my precious Nivea!" Kamahl - "SMA--!" Ixidor - "Okay, okay! Sorry! Let's go." Karona - "Boom! Boom! Kill everything!" Sash - "Hey, she's almost as stupid as we are!" Waistcoat - "Yeah, we're with you!" Braids - "Me too!" Karona - "Nah, I just need two flunkies. Die!" Braids - "Blarg!" KING - "Can I do something different?" Post-Apocalypse Continuity - "Yeah, whatever." KING - "Sweet." Teferi - "Is it safe to come out yet?" Karona - "No, and I'm not talking to you right now." Teferi - "You're not?" Karona - "Nope. This isn't happening." Teferi - "... Okay. Tell me when Time Spiral starts." Yawgmoth - "I'm alive, *****! Alive! Nothing can stop me!" Dommermuth - "Oh crap!" Averru - "Let's make her a perfect match, then kill her!" Kuberr - "That'd never work. Too stupid." Karona - "Yeah, but I'm stupid." Kuberr - "Right, sorry. Let's do that then." Kamahl - "You r teh exiled!" Karona - "No!" Serra - "I'm still alive, too!" Dommermuth - "Somebody stop him!" Karona - "Mercadian Phyrexians! Yawgmoth again!" Dommermuth - "KIIIIIING!" Kirk - "KAAAAHN!" Dominaria - "We're gonna die with no magic!" Karn - "I'll save you!" Gerrard - "Wait, what about me?" Karn - "No, just me." Gerrard - "Why do you get to come back?" Karn - "Well, I created the Mirari in the first place. It was originally intended to be a probe so I could monitor things happening on Dominaria while I'm off brooding on Mirrodin." Gerrard - "Why'd you make a probe that can blow up nations?" Karn - "Yeah, I'm new at this. My bad." Karona - "I'm back." Kamahl - "SMASH!" Karona - "Ha! Not even you can smash magic!" Kuberr - "Blarg!" Ixidor - "Blarg!" Averru - "Blarg!" Sash/Waistcoat - "Boobies/farting!" Karona - "NO! Blarg!" Karn - "Jeska, you okay?" Jeska - "Yeah. It's a good thing they made me a planeswalker, seeing as how I'm such a fan-favorite." Casual Magic Player - "Who?" Kamahl - "Yay, let's go get a beer." Dommermuth - "Oh bollocks." KING - "Tee hee!"
Gerrard - "Why'd you make a probe that can blow up nations?"
Karn - "Yeah, I'm new at this. My bad."
haha.
As for the rest of Scourge... is there a word that fully combines "insane laughter" and "soul-gouging sobbing" at the same time? I'm still of the opinion that Time Spiral is around simply to erase that entire block, Crisis of Infinite Earths style. Either that, or Jaya, Jodah, Jeska, Jhoira, and anyone else starting with "J" are gonna team up to go hunting J. Robert King, in a the trilogy Jack***, Justice, and um... Jamboree?
The J-Team shall unite to crush their immortal foe: The King of discontinuity.....Who shall win, who shall lose? Are the combined forces of the J-Team enough to stop the King? Or, will The King triumph in making a hole in the plot so large not even a second Revision can save it? We shall see, we shall see indeed.
Just remember kids; same magic time, same magic channel!!!!
For the record, I did not come up with the "Cosmic Ferret of Doom" title for Leshrac. During the planning stages of the Planeswalker War comics, Jeff Grubb actually wrote the script for one of the Prelude to War comics (which would have been the precursors to the Planeswalker War comics themselves). So, I gleaned the "Cosmic Ferret of Doom" from my notes on the Planeswalker War. Go Go Jeff Grubb! (Add him to the "J" Team!)
Private Mod Note
():
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Dominian Scholar of the Old Guard, specializing in pre-revisionist (Armada comics) and revisionist (Brothers' War through Apocalypse)history
Current J-Team Members:
Resident God (since he made some of the characters and is a writer regardless) Jeff "Jrubb" Grubb
Planeswalkers:
"Jeferi"
Jeska
Jaya
The Really Old Mortals of Significance (TROMS):
Jodah
Jhoira
Evil King Of Discontinuity
Minnions:
God-like Being:
Karona, False Plot
The Primevals, Avatars of unneeded Plot Thickening
Numena, Addtional Avatars of Unnecessary Complications
The opposites:
Akroma, Angel of "I <3 Ixidor"
Phage (you figure out how Jeska and Phage can fight)
Other Anti-plot Warriors:
Kamhal, The One Demensional Lead
These are the forces that will do battle for th futrue of the Multiverse.....
Edit: I figure that I should point this out before someone else notices it. The J-team is not mine, but another's not sure who it was, but it was in one of the forums that Mcgough comments in. I just thought I'd bring it in, since it seemed useful. Just tell me who to give the credit to and I will.
Edit2: All credit is our esteamed (yep misspelled on purpose) moderator's; The Squirle Master.
Just a note: I did alter the title of my piece. The subtitle is now: "Mirage, Visions, and a little bit Moore." Oh, Prophecy!
And . . . In today's episode:
"Hey! I'm part of the J-Team! I can save the world! You need me! I'm the culmination of a planeswalker's work! Ignore those who think I'm useless. I promise I can save the world. I won't run away from the task again. Please?"
- GERRARD
JODAH: Why would we accept you? We're the J-Team.
GERRARD: My name's pronounced with a soft /G/ sound, isn't it?
JRKing: Mwuahahaha! I have infiltrated the J-Team!
JAYA: Since you apparently aren't able to infiltrate it yourself. You're single "J" initial isn't enough to entice us! And no amount of plot-demolishing will help you!
JODAH: I don't think we could accept that.
GERRARD: Why not? Teferi doesn't even start with a "J."
TEFERI: But I'm more impressive than you.
GERRARD: (*angsts*)
JRKing: Back to the drawing room . . .
JAYA: (*ignites JRKing's computer*)
JRKing: Foiled!
JARED: Oh yeah!
Private Mod Note
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Dominian Scholar of the Old Guard, specializing in pre-revisionist (Armada comics) and revisionist (Brothers' War through Apocalypse)history
Konda: Awesome! Fluffy, go find out how to steal a kami from the spirit world! 9-Tails: My name is not Fluffy. I’m the honorable sensei 9-tails. Konda: Hey, I’m the sodding Daimyo. If I call you Fluffy, your name is Fluffy.
Toshi: I’m just a ronin with a suspiciously familiar last name, minding my own business.
Hisoka: Don’t kill me! I look to much like mister Miyagi to die! Hidetsugu: *chomp*
Michiko: He’s a villain? Toshi: Hey, it makes more sense in the actual book. I can’t help it that Kamigawa is far to densely plotted for a good summary! Michiko: Yeah, or Squirle just sucks at this. The Squirle master: Hey!
Myojin of Night’s Reach: What are you doing in my Honden? Toshi: Well, my sexual performance is apparently not entirely up to snuff, so I was wondering… Myojin of Night’s Reach: You brought That Which Was Taken here? You moron! You’re fired! Toshi: Crap.
Kyodai: Michiko, distract him while I charge a spirit bomb for 45 episodes! Scott McGough: Oh come on! It wasn’t that DragonBall Z-ish! The Squirle master: Sorry
ROFL, WTF, LOL, PURE GENIUS. Hope you dont mind if i make a sig with all this, its just too good to let pass
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Quote from »
Call me old fashioned, but an evil ascension to power just isn't the same without someone chanting faux Latin in the background.
Oreo, Glazing people better than Dunkin' Donuts since 2009
That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange eons even death may die.
Can someone post, in a shortened way, the history from magic beginning at the brother's war up to apocalypse? No really, can someone? Please?
So, this thread is a thread in which you'll find summarized plots for the history of magic so far. Feal free to post your versions or coment and complement the work of others. I'll post in here the one's made so far, and they're hilarious.
"That Yawgmoth guy is respulsive. Science over Magic. As a Thran, I find that offensive."
"Yeah but we're dying of pthisis. Let's give him a chance. What could go wrong?"
"He's turning us into monsters, that's what. The rest of the world is getting antsy."
"Don't worry, he's declared war on them. He'll wipe them out."
"He just wiped us out along with them. Nice one."
"Hey Mishra, there's this neat cave out the way that looks like it was made by that ancient, long-lost Thran race."
"Cool, Urza, let's check it out."
"This stone is glowing. I'll take it back to the camp and study it."
"I'll take it back for you."
"That's okay."
"No, I insist."
"You idiot, you broke it!"
"No, you broke it! It was half mine anyway!"
"I hate you!"
"I hate you more!"
"My stone's better!"
"That's it! I'm out of here!"
"See if I care, Mishra! I'm going to marry into royalty to study these Thran guys some more."
"Yeah? Well I'm going to lead a tribe of desert nomads to crush your civilisation! Hey, neat, I found a dragon robot."
"Yeah? Well I'm going to... wait, a robot? Neat! I mean, no, that's crap compared to my stuff!"
"This is war! Bags that last island!"
"I saw it first! Wait a second.... you're not Mishra! You're a Phyrexian! KHAAAANNNNNNN!"
"....Whoops."
"Nice one, Urza."
"Shut up, Yawgmoth. I didn't know the bang would be that big. Anyway, you're stuck out here too. Neither of us can get into Dominaria now."
"You know what I'm gonna do to you now?"
"I still have one robot! Take this! ...Oww."
"Didn't feel it."
"Crap! Serra! Help!"
"Oh, wow. A plane of pure happy. This is gonna be fun."
"Right, you stay right here then, I'll just have a look over here.... Hey Dominaria's open. Damn it Freyalise! Now I have to start all over again! Well, I blew up my only doomsday cylex. I bet an army of robots will do. Hurry up and get born, Barrin."
"What?"
"Ah there you are. I need a school to train wizards and artificers and stuff. I'm not a people person, though - heck I've killed more of them than have been born since - so you'll be the headmaster."
"Um, okay..."
"Oh yeah, and I want to go back in time to stop that awful Yawgmoth fellow from being able to beat the stuffing out of my robots and artificers. Heck, if I do this right I'll end up not even having to."
"You'll be needing a silver golem then. Here's one."
"Never mind, I just blew up the time machine."
"What'll I do with the golem?"
"Well, there's this kid I recently orphaned."
"Be more specific."
"You know, the super-soldier."
"Ah, Gerrard."
"He'll need a guardian to keep the Phyrexians away from him. The golem will do."
"What about the Weatherlight?"
"Oh, the flying, planeswalking ship and core of the Yawgmoth-thumping Legacy Weapon powered by the collapsed energies of the corrupted Serra's Realm and built through an alliance of Tolarian mechanical engineering and Yavimayan life force that I haven't had a chance to mention yet? Make him captain."
"He doesn't want to be captain."
"He'll come around."
"The current captain's been kidnapped. He and the ship have gone off to Rath to find her."
"It'll be good practice for when the Phyrexians merge that plane with Dominaria."
"What?"
"Nothing. How'd they do?"
"Well, that Crovax guy fell overboard, and the ship's escaped to Mercadia. Crovax seems to have gone bit native. Oh, and something about Keldons. Probably nothing important."
"Right. Yawgmoth's a-knocking. Time for me to get going. This time I've got nine robots. He's gonna feel this kick in the...."
"They're invading. Wait a second, they've brought Rath with them."
"I'm sure the Weatherlight'll do just fine. I hear they're doing brilliantly, nobody dead or anything! Not even one! Especially not your daughter!... Barrin? Hmm. Guess I'm still not a people person."
"Hey again, Urza"
"Yawgmoth! We meet at last!"
"We've met loads of times."
"...Yeah. That's what I meant."
"I know you did."
"Glad somebody understands me."
"Of course I do."
"You know, you're an alright guy. Sorry about those last few, uh... what comes after 'millennia?'"
"It's alright. Hey, look who's here? It's your old buddy Gerrard."
"Hey Gerrard."
"Yo."
"Now, why don't you two fight for me?"
"Sure thing, boss. Uh, boss? Gerrard killed me."
"No, I only decapitated you. Okay, Yawgmoth, make with the babe."
"Will me in drag do?"
"That wasn't our deal! I quit! And I'm taking the head!"
"Hey Gerrard, how about we blow Dominaria up? That'd show Yawgmoth what ho."
"No, that'd just be moronic."
"Okay, try this. Take my eyes out and put them into Karn's chest. That way you, me, him and the Weatherlight will combine probably somehow and wipe Yawgmoth out. It's so logical it has to work."
"Well, okay.... but if Karn becomes a planeswalker and the rest of us all die I'm gonna kick you in the...."
Hakim: Northern Jamuraa is a land of rich history and powerful magic—
Leshrac: I want the Spells of Mirage to spread Phyrexian havoc!
Hakim: You and your new-fangled videogame-canon. Stick with the cards!
Leshrac: The cards have stories?
Hakim: In a time long ago and far, far away—
Glissa: You’re talking fantasy in Dominaria, not science fiction on Mirrodin!
Hakim: As I was saying, long ago the cards had a story to tell. Let me read them for you.
Teferi: Yay! I’m meddling again!
Hakim: (*clears his throat*) There were the nations of Suq’Ata, Femeref, and Zhalfir—
Teferi: And . . . there goes the time streams . . .
Hakim: But war was beginning between these three nations . . .
Teferi: . . . but I discovered phasing! (*phases out*)
Jolrael: Where’d Teferi’s island go?
Mangara: I don’t know, but let’s become allies and find out.
Kaervek: I’ll join, too, since we need a villain!
Jabari: There’s so much fighting on Jamuraa!
Mangara: Let me use my exceptional diplomacy skills and good character to set things right! Here, I’ll set up an elf city as a buffer between nations!
Zhalfirins: Yay! Mangara’s Harmony! An Age of Peace!
Telim'Tor: Hey, nice work, Mangara! Suq’Ata will trade with you!
Asmira: You’re a good man, Mangara.
Hakim: And in all honesty, he really wasn’t that bad.
Kaervek: Stupid green-and-white-aligned good-guys!
Hakim: I’m sorry, Mangara’s strictly white-aligned.
Kaervek: What? He’s in with the Quirion elves!
Hakim: R&D made him a white card. Check out the future sometime.
Teferi: (*phases in*) The future? How do you do that? I’ve only managed to begin unraveling the time-streams! (*phases out*)
Kaervek: I’m bored. Let’s start war.
Jolrael: You want my help?
Kaervek: You hate people, remember? Let me use your jungle and your animals to kill people.
Jolrael: Grrr! I’m the sexy, scantily-clad jungle woman!
Teferi: (*phases in*) Look! I’m back!
Jabari: To war!
Teferi: Um . . . nevermind (*phases out*)
Kondo: Me, too! I am around at this point, right?
Hakim: Maybe not. The Mirage Wars may span up to two centuries.
Guff: I could tell you. I do have my library. But I wouldn’t want to ruin perfectly secret continuity information, so I’ll leave it vague!
Gerrard: Kondo, you may be alive at this point. If you are around, so am I. And if I am, I’m in the beginning stages of my life. Onward to heroism!
Karn: Protected by me.
Vuel: Hi.
Hakim: So Kaervek started a war. They became called the Mirage Wars. Perhaps because Jamuraa has such tropical weather. And it’s so exotic.
Keldons: We’ll remember that when we need to invade you later!
Teferi: (*phases in*) I’ve almost got the hang of it . . .
Kaervek: Now let’s get rid of Mangara
Mangara: What’s this? I’m stuck in amber!
Hakim: And the war raged on.
Hivis: Death to humans!
Zirilan: All power to Viashino and dragons!
Jolrael: I wonder if this is the right thing to do . . .
Teferi: Damn! Wrong again! I sure hope this doesn’t end up causing temporal rifts and all kinds of apocalyptic doom! (*phases out*)
Shauku: I’m lurking . . .
Leshrac: I’m pretending to be the Lord of the Wastes! Look at my halo of flame!
Croag: But it could be me, couldn't it? Right? I glow red and am part of the Inner Circle . . . but I guess no one will ever know!
Sisay: The Lord of the Wastes is out to get me!
Hakim: And there was more war.
Jabari: For Zhalfir! To battle against the demon and animal hordes!
Council: The Council of Voices in Femeref were killed by the Spirit of the Night!
Jamuraans: Ahhhh!
Teferi: (*phases in*) Oh, look, I’m back! Damn, Jamuraa’s a mess.
Jolrael: I should turn on Kaervek. This is bad. Oh, look, Teferi’s back. Help us!
Teferi: I have to pay attention to time. Here, I’ll guide you all through dreams.
Hakim: Visions, if you will.
Asmira: Hey, I had a dream . . . Mangara’s in the jungle. In amber.
Rashida: I had a dream . . . and I hate dragons. Asmira, I’ll follow you!
Jabari: I had a dream . . . follow me to victory!
Hakim: I, too, had a dream . . . so I followed Jabari and told a story and help lead us to victory.
Sisay: Look! There’s a visionary woman. Let’s go check it out.
Tahngarth: This flying ship is pretty cool.
Gerrard: If Sisay’s around, I’ve gotta be around! I’m growing up!
Vuel: We’re such good step-brothers.
Starke: Time to make brothers fight! The winner will be fit for Phyrexian implants and alterations!
Gix: This has so been done before. Copy-cat!
Leshrac: I thought I was Phyrexia’s representative now . . .
Starke: We must be working simultaneously. You should be focusing on Corondor and that Planeswalker War.
Leshrac: Really? Did that start yet?
Ravidel: (*activates the moxen*) Ah, the Mox Beacon: come to me, planeswalkers!
Leshrac: I am the Cosmic Ferret of Dooooom!
Asmira: Sisay, please fly us to Mangara!
Rashida: But be careful, he’ll probably be surrounded by bad guys!
Jabari: Keep fighting!
Teferi: (*singing*) De duh dum dum . . .
Jolrael: Kaervek, I defy you!
Kaervek: Fine, I’ll leave you behind!
Asmira: There it is! I’ll go free Mangara!
Purraj: Surprise! Dance the Song of Blood with me!
Rashida: Look! A dragon mask! Let’s fight after I put it on!
Asmira: I’ll sacrifice myself!
Mangara: It feels so good not to be so cramped!
Shauku: I don’t remember the amber shrinking last time it had someone. And I don’t think they needed to sacrifice themselves to free the last captive in amber . . .
Mangara: I must go battle Kaervek!
Kaervek: Die!
Mangara: Haha! Now you’re caught!
Teferi: See, everything works out.
Hakim: And Teferi stabilized the time-streams.
Sisay: And I went on to have more adventures.
Vuel: And I turned Phyrexian.
Purraj: And my fate is unknown.
Mwigo: You don't even know who I am.
Rashida: I died.
Jabari: I survived.
Konda: I’m killed by my son shortly hereafter.
Kaervek: I’m stuck in amber.
Gerrard: Wanna know my story?
Mangara: Back to Corondor, just in time for a Planeswalker’s War.
Jolrael: Time to go back into isolation until Teferi asks for my help again.
Teferi: I keep having this bad feeling about the time-streams . . .
Hakim: And Jamuraa was quiet for a while . . .
Latulla: The Keldon Twilight is approaching! Bow before the Keldons!
Mageta: Roar!
Hakim: I’m sorry, I couldn’t possibly end the story on that note . . . And so, the Mirage Wars came to an end, and Jamuraa faced many more difficulties in the decades to come.
Teferi: And the moral of the story: Your actions all have consequences. My actions scored me a lead role in a whole trilogy!
PROLOGUE
Konda: Okay, I’ve conquered all the interesting bits in the world. So now I wanna be immortal and rule over it all for ever and ever.
Meloku: You can do that by nicking a Kami from the spirit world.
Konda: Awesome! Fluffy, go find out how to steal a kami from the spirit world!
9-Tails: My name is not Fluffy. I’m the honorable sensei 9-tails.
Konda: Hey, I’m the sodding Daimyo. If I call you Fluffy, your name is Fluffy.
9-Tails Fluffy: *sigh* Yes daimyo. But why would you want to steal a Kami from the spirit realm? It would cause great harm to come to the world!
Konda: I… er… want to know how it’s done from a completely hypothetical point of view?
Fluffy : Oh, okay then, here’s a scroll with all the details. You need a birth as a catalyst though.
Konda: …that can be arranged. Takeno, prepare the master bedroom for me and my wife. It’s baby making time!
Fluffy : But you said you wouldn’t do it!
Konda: Yeah, well… I lied.
Fluffy : I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming! I’m so ashamed, I’ll cut of half my tail and call myself 8.5 Tails from now on!
Konda: Did I give you permission to change your name again?
TWENTY YEARS LATER
Michiko: The Kami War started at the same time I was born. I feel the need to investigate!
Pearl-Ear: Well, you can’t. Sharp-Ear, make sure she doesn’t leave.
Sharp-Ear: Whatever.
Choryu: Hey Michiko, lets ditch this tosser and go to Minamo!
Michiko: Okay!
Sharp-Ear: I’m a tosser, eh? Man I hope something horribly happens to that kid [/foreshadowing]. Anyway, lets lure them to the kitsune village instead.
MEANWHILE
Toshi: I’m just a ronin with a suspiciously familiar last name, minding my own business.
Moonfolk: DIE!
Toshi: Gah! Hidetsugu, why do they want me dead?
Hidetsugu: I dunno, but this kami wanted you dead as well. Go to Numai and kill some monks until they tell you whats going on. Take my new apprentice along.
Toshi: Riiiiiight… Hey look, it’s the Mario brothers!
Brothers Yamazaki: Hey! You aren’t allowed to interfere with our very cool plot! Send some Kami to kill them before they destroy our army! Umezawa’s tend to do that a lot.
Kobo: SMASH KAMI!
Toshi: Hmmm, I wonder what their very cool plot is. Anyway, of to the Numai!
MEANWHILE, AT THE KITSUNE VILLAGE
Pearl-Ear: What the hell? I thought I told you lot to stay in Eiganjo!
Sharp-Ear: Meh.
Michiko: Now that we’re here anyway, we might as well go ask the Orochi if they know anything about my involvement in this war!
Sharp-Ear: Why would they know anything about that?
Michiko: Eh…
Brothers Yamazaki: Phew, thank god we got away from that ronin and that kid with all the scars. Hey, a kitsune village! Let’s crush it on our way to our cool plot!
Captain Nagao: I’ll help out!
Brothers Yamazaki’s army: SMASH!
Captain Nagao: *is dead*
Sharp-Ear: *shoots Yamazaki brother in the ear* Everybody important to the plot into the forest!
Michiko: Now lets go and find those Orochi!
Sharp-Ear: What is it with you and those Orochi?
Michiko: Eh… look, people!
Kobo: SMASH!
Toshi: No you oaf, those aren’t monks!
Orochi: Hi!
Michiko: Hey, Orochi!
Admiral Ackbar: IT’S A TRAP!
Orochi: *poison everyone*
Choryu: Hey, I’m up before anyone else. What shall I do now? I know, I´ll drown this guy!
Kobo: Blub.
Toshi: Well ****. Hidetsugu is not gonna be happy about that. I’d better hide in a cave. Might as well take the princess along.
Mochi: Hi!
Toshi: GAH, an obese smurf!
Mochi: Work for me!
Myojin of Night’s Reach: I’ll pay twice the fee he gives you.
Michiko: Hey Toshi, wanna work for me too?
Toshi Ka-ching!
Orochi: Ooma-chucka Ooma-chucka Ooma-chucka
Myojin of Life’s Web: Must. Kill. Princess!
Toshi: STFU!
Orochi: *silent*
Myojin of Life’s Web: Noooooooooo! *is defeated*
Choryu: Hi Michiko!
Toshi: *sticks Kanji to Choryu’s face*
Hidetsugu: Hey, a water mage just dropped out of the air.
Choryu: Where am I?
Hidetsugu: Take out the hot pokers, it’s torturing time!
Choryu: Oh [beep] on a [beep] sandwich with [beep] on top!
Toshi: Where the hell am I now?
Imawori: You’re in on of the online vignettes!
Toshi: Riiiiiight. You know what, I’ll just stick you in a cage and get back to the regular story.
Imawori: HEY!
Michiko: I can’t believe my dad grounded me!
Isamaru: WOOF!
Michiko: What did you say Isamaru? Toshi fell down a well?
Isamaru: WOOF!
Michiko: Oh, I should ask Toshi for help! That’s a good idea!
Kiku: Toshi, Boss Uramon wants you to work for her!
Toshi: Don’t really feel like it, but if you and Marow-Gnawer don’t become members of the Hyozan Reckoners I’ll sick the Yuki-Onna on you.
Michiko: Toshi, get me out of here!
Hidetsugu: Toshi, help me avenge Kobo!
Toshi: Jeez, you people certainly keep my busy. I’d better nick this device from Uramon that allows me to teleport!
Michiko: Thanks for saving me!
Toshi: You’re welcome. Now, don’t go to Minamo, Hidetsugu is going to destroy it.
Michiko: What did you say? I couldn’t hear you as I was busy making plans to go to Minamo!
Toshi:
Captain Nagao: I’ll come with you!
Michiko: Weren’t you dead?
Captain Nagao: Eh… I got better?
O-Kagachi: Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! I’m gonna kill everyone in Eiganjo!
Refugees: *run away*
Brothers Yamazaki: Hey look! Refugees! Let’s destroy them on the way to our cool plan!
Refugees: Oh bother.
Sharp-Ear: What the hell? Didn’t that online vignette say you two where going back to your village after I shot one of you in the ear in the last book?
Brothers Yamazaki: You are going to argue about continuity with us? You’re not even in this scene!
Sharp-Ear: … Touché…
Michiko: Hisoka, tell me what happened on the day I was born!
Hisoka: Well, the first stage of childbirth are the contractions, and…
Michiko: Not that! The stuff about the start of the Kami War and all!
Hidetsugu: BOOGABOOGABOOGA!
Captain Nagao: *is dead again*
Hisoka: Don’t kill me! I look to much like mister Miyagi to die!
Hidetsugu: *chomp*
Mochi: Why don’t I tell you what happened on the day you where born?
Toshi: *freezes Mochi and puts That Which Was Taken in his hands*
Michiko: What the hell did you do that for?
Toshi: He’s a villain. Now either Hidetsugu is gonna kill him now, or O-Kagachi will eat him later.
Michiko: He’s a villain?
Toshi: Hey, it makes more sense in the actual book. I can’t help it that Kamigawa is far to densely plotted for a good summary!
Michiko: Yeah, or Squirle just sucks at this.
The Squirle master: Hey!
Captain Nagao: Turns out I’m not dead afterall!
Michiko: You’re a bit of a one-trick pony aren’t you?
Toshi: ‘kay, so the Myojin of Night’s Reach has gotten my out from under the Hyozan oath and Hidetsugu is a bit out of control. I’d better round up the other Hyozans to fight Hidetsugu.
Kiku: *hic*
Toshi: Are you drunk?
Kiku: Yeah. Oh, and I’m now an all powerful shadow being of sorts.
Toshi: …
Bow chicka bow-wow
Toshi: Baby, was that as good for you as it was for me?
Kiku: I’m going to get a nezumi to write your name on all of their urinals so that for years to come rats will piss over you. Metaphorically speaking.
Toshi: That bad? Perhaps I need to ask the Myojin for another blessing… But first, its time to fight Hidetsugu!
Marrow-Gnawer: I’ll stab him in the eyes!
Toshi: Eh… the Hyozan oath wasn’t really broken yet.
Marrow-Gnawer: You ass. *is dead*
Toshi: Okay, now Kiku is off in some shadow dimension, Hidetsugu went to kick him Oni’s ass for not kicking O-Kagachi’s ass and I have That Which Was Taken again.
Myojin of Night’s Reach: What are you doing in my Honden?
Toshi: Well, my sexual performance is apparently not entirely up to snuff, so I was wondering…
Myojin of Night’s Reach: You brought That Which Was Taken here? You moron! You’re fired!
Toshi: Crap.
Michiko: Hey Toshi, what’ve you got there?
Toshi: The reason this whole war started.
Michiko: Yoink!
That Which Was Taken: *turns into Kyodai*
O-Kagachi: *attacks*
Kyodai: Michiko, distract him while I charge a spirit bomb for 45 episodes!
Scott McGough: Oh come on! It wasn’t that DragonBall Z-ish!
The Squirle master: Sorry
O-Kagachi: *is dead*
Konda: *Is turned to stone and crumbled to dust while still conscious*
Mochi: *is fed to Hidetsugu/Oni of All-Consuming Chaos hybrid*
Toshi Well, looks like we’ve got ourselves a happy end!
Myojin of Night’s Reach: Time for revenge!
Toshi: Me and my big mouth.
Myojin of Night’s Reach: Here, I’ll drop you on this other plane!
Toshi: This is not so bad…
Myojin of Night’s Reach: Oh isn’t it? *poke*
Toshi: AAH, my eyes! Oh you’re going to regret that! One of my descendants will kill an elder dragon planeswalker, and then my family line will die out, and then when the dragon comes back to life you will be the only one left who is indirectly responsible for his death, and then he’ll whoop you so hard in his quest for vengeance that you’ll have to ask a mostly pre-rev planeswalker for help!
Myojin of Night’s Reach: … Suuuuuuuuure.
THE END!
Brothers Yamazaki: Wait a minute, why didn’t we get to show our cool plan?
Scott McGough: Sorry guys, I was told that it would be shown in one of those online vignette’s, but apparently that plan was scrapped.
Brothers Yamazaki: Dommermuuuuuuuuuth!
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This was awesome man!
So basicaly, if you can define this like that, that's what happened from Brothers War to Apocalypse. Thanks so much! Just one more thing:
- What about the Elder Dragons like Nicol Bolas? He was a planeswalker wasn't him?
http://wiki.mtgsalvation.com/article/Nicol_Bolas
Xbox Live - eidtelnvil
PlayStation Network - eidtelnvil
Currently reading It by Stephen King
Currently playing Persona 4
Excellent. Please expand this to include the plots of Mirrodin through Time Spiral, and if you have time, Homelands through Visions as well. ^^.
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Eeeeew....
Priceless. And I would love some more of these.
I just tried to write one for mirroden, got to the part where Glissa meets the leonin and realized it wasn't that good, hmm....I'll just wait for the "official one"
The everpresent fungus among us.
EDH
Scion of the Ur-Dragon
Grand Arbiter Agustian IV
Arcum Dagsson
Jhoira of the Ghitu
Korlash, Heir to Blackblade
Ghave, Guru of Spores
Zedruu the Greathearted
Rakka Mar
Animar, Soul of Elements
Talrand, Sky Summoner
Heider, Rimewind Master
Ruric Thar, the Unbowed
Mairsil, the Pretender
Edric, Spymaster of Trest (snake tribal)
Jarad, Gogari Lich Lord
Dralnu, Lich Lord (lands, instants, and sorcerys)
Yes.
I welcome someone to try Onslaught block this way, but it would probably make MORE sense than the actual story. As for pre-Mirage sets, some of them didn't have real STORYLINES, so much as just being settings. If you wanna know Mirage War stuff, Zazdor is the guy to ask. He still exists on occasion (he got so engrossed in Mirage Block storyline, Teferi gave him phasing).
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Winner of SSC 1 & ">3 & 6
"Hi, I'm Glissa and I like to smash things and run alot."
"Me Slobad, me talk like moron but am really smart."
"I'm Bosh, I was developed quite well, everyone liked me, and I was killed so the fleshier characters would matter again, but they still didn't."
"We ran around Mirroden a few times, were almost killed by an insane crab legged demigod and his minnions and fought alot, who needs a coherent plot?"
"I'm Geth and I only mattered in the third book, where I became the comic relief and still mattered more than the main cast."
Edit: all kidding aside, I did like Geth in 5th Dawn. I thought he was funny and more or less kept the story together. He also uttered one of my favorite lines in the whole block:
I don't know what it is about that line, but I love it.
The everpresent fungus among us.
EDH
Scion of the Ur-Dragon
Grand Arbiter Agustian IV
Arcum Dagsson
Jhoira of the Ghitu
Korlash, Heir to Blackblade
Ghave, Guru of Spores
Zedruu the Greathearted
Rakka Mar
Animar, Soul of Elements
Talrand, Sky Summoner
Heider, Rimewind Master
Ruric Thar, the Unbowed
Mairsil, the Pretender
Edric, Spymaster of Trest (snake tribal)
Jarad, Gogari Lich Lord
Dralnu, Lich Lord (lands, instants, and sorcerys)
Hello, all! I do stop by to look around now and again. As for Mirage block . . . perhaps a book-a-minute (remember those, VestDan?) blurb would be entertaining. You never know what I'll come up with, or when . . .
[*Zazdor phases out*]
Interesting aside, I belive Squirle Master has Bands with other Squirles.
Anyway, I'll leave Mirage block to you, hah.
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Winner of SSC 1 & ">3 & 6
It was this synopsis that finally made me register here.
John_D, you are my hero.
I would have added a few lines about Yawgmoth and the Thran in the beginning, but that might have spoiled it. Great job on this. It was extremely entertaining!
A Synopsis of Mirage, Visions, and a bit Moore!
(Not at all comparable to John D's amazing original!)
HAKIM: Northern Jamuraa is a land of rich history and powerful magic—
LESHRAC: I want the Spells of Mirage to spread Phyrexian havoc!
HAKIM: You and your new-fangled videogame-canon. Stick with the cards!
LESHRAC: The cards have stories?
HAKIM: In a time long ago and far, far away—
GLISSA: You’re talking fantasy in Dominaria, not science fiction on Mirrodin!
HAKIM: As I was saying, long ago the cards had a story to tell. Let me read them for you.
TEFERI: Yay! I’m meddling again!
HAKIM: (*clears his throat*) There were the nations of Suq’Ata, Femeref, and Zhalfir—
TEFERI: And . . . there goes the time streams . . .
HAKIM: But war was beginning between these three nations . . .
TEFERI: . . . but I discovered phasing! (*phases out*)
JOLRAEL: Where’d Teferi’s island go?
MANGARA: I don’t know, but let’s become allies and find out.
KAERVEK: I’ll join, too, since we need a villain!
JABARI: There’s so much fighting on Jamuraa!
MANGARA: Let me use my exceptional diplomacy skills and good character to set things right! Here, I’ll set up an elf city as a buffer between nations!
ZHALFIRANS: Yay! Mangara’s Harmony! An Age of Peace!
TELIM’TOR: Hey, nice work, Mangara! Suq’Ata will trade with you!
ASMIRA: You’re a good man, Mangara.
HAKIM: And in all honesty, he really wasn’t that bad.
KAERVEK: Stupid green-and-white-aligned good-guys!
HAKIM: I’m sorry, Mangara’s strictly white-aligned.
KAERVEK: What? He’s in with the Quirion elves!
HAKIM: R&D made him a white card. Check out the future sometime.
TEFERI: (*phases in*) The future? How do you do that? I’ve only managed to begin unraveling the time-streams! (*phases out*)
KAERVEK: I’m bored. Let’s start war.
JOLRAEL: You want my help?
KAERVEK: You hate people, remember? Let me use your jungle and your animals to kill people.
JOLRAEL: Grrr! I’m the sexy, scantily-clad jungle woman!
TEFERI: (*phases in*) Look! I’m back!
JABARI: To war!
TEFERI: Um . . . nevermind (*phases out*)
KONDO: Me, too! I am around at this point, right?
HAKIM: Maybe not. The Mirage Wars may span up to two centuries.
GUFF: I could tell you. I do have my library. But I wouldn’t want to ruin perfectly secret continuity information, so I’ll leave it vague!
GERRARD: Kondo, you may be alive at this point. If you are around, so am I. And if I am, I’m in the beginning stages of my life. Onward to heroism!
KARN: Protected by me.
VUEL: Hi.
HAKIM: So Kaervek started a war. They became called the Mirage Wars. Perhaps because Jamuraa has such tropical weather. And it’s so exotic.
KELDONS: We’ll remember that when we need to invade you later!
TEFERI: (*phases in*) I’ve almost got the hang of it . . .
KAERVEK: Now let’s get rid of Mangara
MANGARA: What’s this? I’m stuck in amber!
HAKIM: And the war raged on.
HIVIS: Death to humans!
ZIRILAN: All power to Viashino and dragons!
JOLRAEL: I wonder if this is the right thing to do . . .
TEFERI: Damn! Wrong again! I sure hope this doesn’t end up causing temporal rifts and all kinds of apocalyptic doom! (*phases out*)
SHAUKU: I’m lurking . . .
LESHRAC: I’m pretending to be the Lord of the Wastes! Look at my halo of flame!
CROAG: But it could be me, couldn't it? Right? I glow red and am part of the Inner Circle . . . but I guess no one will ever know!
SISAY: The Lord of the Wastes is out to get me!
HAKIM: And there was more war.
JABARI: For Zhalfir! To battle against the demon and animal hordes!
COUNCIL: The Council of Voices in Femeref were killed by the Spirit of the Night!
JAMURAANS: Ahhhh!
TEFERI: (*phases in*) Oh, look, I’m back! Damn, Jamuraa’s a mess.
JOLRAEL: I should turn on Kaervek. This is bad. Oh, look, Teferi’s back. Help us!
TEFERI: I have to pay attention to time. Here, I’ll guide you all through dreams.
HAKIM: Visions, if you will.
ASMIRA: Hey, I had a dream . . . Mangara’s in the jungle. In amber.
RASHIDA: I had a dream . . . and I hate dragons. Asmira, I’ll follow you!
JABARI: I had a dream . . . follow me to victory!
HAKIM: I, too, had a dream . . . so I followed Jabari and told a story and help lead us to victory.
SISAY: Look! There’s a visionary woman. Let’s go check it out.
TAHNGARTH: This flying ship is pretty cool.
GERRARD: If Sisay’s around, I’ve gotta be around! I’m growing up!
VUEL: We’re such good step-brothers.
STARKE: Time to make brothers fight! The winner will be fit for Phyrexian implants and alterations!
GIX: This has so been done before. Copy-cat!
LESHRAC: I thought I was Phyrexia’s representative now . . .
STARKE: We must be working simultaneously. You should be focusing on Corondor and that Planeswalker War.
LESHRAC: Really? Did that start yet?
RAVIDEL: (*activates the moxen*) Ah, the Mox Beacon: come to me, planeswalkers!
LESHRAC: I am the Cosmic Ferret of Dooooom!
ASMIRA: Sisay, please fly us to Mangara!
RASHIDA: But be careful, he’ll probably be surrounded by bad guys!
JABARI: Keep fighting!
TEFERI: (*singing*) De duh dum dum . . .
JOLRAEL: Kaervek, I defy you!
KAERVEK: Fine, I’ll leave you behind!
ASMIRA: There it is! I’ll go free Mangara!
PURRAJ: Surprise! Dance the Song of Blood with me!
RASHIDA: Look! A dragon mask! Let’s fight after I put it on!
ASMIRA: I’ll sacrifice myself!
MANGARA: It feels so good not to be so cramped!
SHAUKU: I don’t remember the amber shrinking last time it had someone. And I don’t think they needed to sacrifice themselves to free the last captive in amber . . .
MANGARA: I must go battle Kaervek!
KAERVEK: Die!
MANGARA: Haha! Now you’re caught!
TEFERI: See, everything works out.
HAKIM: And Teferi stabilized the time-streams.
SISAY: And I went on to have more adventures.
VUEL: And I turned Phyrexian.
PURRAJ: And my fate is unknown.
MWIGO: You don't even know who I am.
RASHIDA: I died.
JABARI: I survived.
KONDA: I’m killed by my son shortly hereafter.
KAERVEK: I’m stuck in amber.
GERRARD: Wanna know my story?
MANGARA: Back to Corondor, just in time for a Planeswalker’s War.
JOLRAEL: Time to go back into isolation until Teferi asks for my help again.
TEFERI: I keep having this bad feeling about the time-streams . . .
HAKIM: And Jamuraa was quiet for a while . . .
LATULLA: The Keldon Twilight is approaching! Bow before the Keldons!
MAGETA: Roar!
HAKIM: I’m sorry, I couldn’t possibly end the story on that note . . . And so, the Mirage Wars came to an end, and Jamuraa faced many more difficulties in the decades to come.
TEFERI: And the moral of the story: Your actions all have consequences. My actions scored me a lead role in a whole trilogy!
That is good stuff right there^^
This synopsis and the first one just goes to show you how contrite a magic plot can be when you strip away the Magic brand name.
The everpresent fungus among us.
EDH
Scion of the Ur-Dragon
Grand Arbiter Agustian IV
Arcum Dagsson
Jhoira of the Ghitu
Korlash, Heir to Blackblade
Ghave, Guru of Spores
Zedruu the Greathearted
Rakka Mar
Animar, Soul of Elements
Talrand, Sky Summoner
Heider, Rimewind Master
Ruric Thar, the Unbowed
Mairsil, the Pretender
Edric, Spymaster of Trest (snake tribal)
Jarad, Gogari Lich Lord
Dralnu, Lich Lord (lands, instants, and sorcerys)
The Mirari Saga:
Part I - Odyssey
Kamahl - "Gonna whip some ass!"
Chainer - "Hi, I'm Chainer. I'll become one of the most popular characters in a long while, but right now I'm just filler."
Kamahl - "Cool! Gonna smash!"
Chainer - "Not yet. There are certain rules and regulations we have to go through first ..."
Pit-Fighters - ::smashing::
Kamahl - "Smash!"
Chainer - "Yeah, those are those rules I was talking about. You're a quick learner. Gee, this could really get old if this goes on for more than three books. Anyway, let's see what you can do."
Kamahl - "Smash!"
Pit-Fighter - "I'm smashed."
Kirtar - "I'm a very important character who surely won't die anytime soon."
Laquatus - "I'm scheming! That's what I do, I'm a schemer!"
Turg - "Hungry."
Laquatus - "Go fight."
Dragon - "ROOOOOOOARER!"
Turg - "Too hungry to care."
Laquatus - "Curses!"
Chainer - "L8er!"
Kirtar - "Smash!
Kamahl - "Oh no you didn't! That's my line!" ::chases after Kirtar::
Kirtar - ::smashes dragon::
Kamahl - ::smashes dragon::
Dragon - "Oh noes!" ::falls on top of Kamahl::
Patriarch - "I'm not actually here, but I'll be retconned into the story in a little while. Anyway, here's this shiny metal ball as a token of saving our city."
Kirtar - "W00t!" ::leaves::
Kamahl - "Finally got this dragon off me. Where's Kirtar?! Nobody smashes anything before I do!"
Chainer - "He left. The Patriarch gave him this shiny ball, too."
Kamahl - "Well, that's okay, then. Wait, you said it was shiny?"
Chainer - "None shinier."
Kamahl - "It must be mine!"
Laquatus - "Mine, too! But I'll pretend to be everybody's friend and get the ball for myself!"
Braids - "Does anybody want to tell him that nobody's falling for it?"
Patriarch - "Not yet, let's just let him have his moment."
Kirtar - "Yes! My very own shiny ball! Now I can topple to Cabal!"
Pianna - "That would be a bad idea. As the only rational person in this entire storyline, I'm going to advise that we just destroy that thing."
Post-Apocalypse Continuity - "Dur, pwetty birdie! Hur hur!"
Kirtar - "As someone with an IQ in the triple digits, you are far too unreliable for this storyline! Die!"
Pianna - "Blargh!"
Order Soldiers - "Oh, no! The boss is dead!"
Kamahl - "What?"
Order Soldiers - "Hey, he must have something to do with it! He has a sword!"
Kamahl - "Crap. SMASH!"
Order Soldiers - ::are smashed::
Kirtar - "There you are! Die! What's that?" ::dies::
Kamahl - "Sweet. Mine now!" ::gets Mirari:: "My own. My precious!"
Tolkien - ::rolls over::
Turg - "I'll take that!" ::takes that::
Kamahl - "Crap!"
Laquatus - "Sweet! Pays to have minions. Here, take this somewhere."
Minion - "Dur, okay." ::takes to Aboshan::
Aboshan - "Yeah, throw it over there. I'm also a character that will be of tremendous importance throughout this entire story."
Kamahl - "Well, I can't breathe underwater, so I guess I'm out of luck. I'll go do something useful, like fighting."
Laquatus - "Okay, now where'd it go?"
Minion - "Gave to squid-king!"
Laquatus - "Bollocks."
Braids - "I'm digging! I'm not really much of a digger, and am in fact far too important to the Cabal to be wasting my time digging, but the plot must survive!"
Laquatus - "Hey, can I have that thing?"
Aboshan - "No. It's an attack!"
Kamahl - "Smash!"
Aboshan - "You aren't here."
Kamahl - "I don't have to be. I can smash from thousands of miles away."
Aboshan - "Oh. Well, thanks for that."
Post-Apocalypse Continuity - "We r teh smart!"
Aboshan - "I'm tired of getting attacked. Maybe I have something that can make that not happen. Ooh, shiny ball!"
Laquatus - "Crap."
Llawan - "Ph34r!"
Aboshan - "Oh no! Run! Wait, I'm too important to die!"
Laquatus - ::kills Aboshan:;
Aboshan - "Guess not."
Laquatus - "Mine at last."
Braids - "Hey, I'll save you if you give me that."
Laquatus - "Man ..."
Turg - ::dies::
Kamahl - "What's that? Oh noes! It's a tidal wave!"
Part II - Chainer's Torment
Chainer - "Hey look, a shiny ball!"
Kamahl - "Wait, how did you get it?"
Chainer - "This is all flashback."
Kamahl - "Oh. What happened with the tidal wave."
Chainer - "Wait for it."
Kamahl - "Right. But how did you get it?"
Chainer - "Sigh. It's magic."
Kamahl - "Kamahl SMASH confusing magic!"
Teroh - "I'm another all-important character. Give me that."
Chainer - "No!"
Teroh - "Okay. After him!"
Chainer - "Runses!"
Skellum - "I'm one of those characters that's just too awesome to live for an entire book. But I'll save ya."
Chainer - "Sweet."
Teroh - "Gonna get you for this."
Chainer - "Here."
Patriarch - "Cool. Thnx."
Chainer - "Now I'm gonna pal around with Kamahl."
Kamahl - "Happy am I to receive a pal."
Skellum - "Gonna train ya!"
Chainer - ::trains:: "I'm such a badass."
Kamahl - "Okay, I'm gonna go after the shiny thing now."
Balthor - "Hey, let's fight!"
Jeska - "Yeah!"
Chainer - "Okay! Where'd my hand go?"
Patriarch - "Ah, my plan is going flawlessly! I've given the most powerful artifact the world has ever seen to my enemies! Damn, I'm smart. Better kill Skellum now."
Skellum - "Crap."
Chainer - "Oh, that tears it. I'm going on a pilgrimage."
Kamahl - "I'm back. I'll go too. Wait, what about the tidal wave."
Post-Apocalypse Continuity - ::busy playing World of Warcraft"
Chainer - "Guess it wasn't that important. I like snakes."
Kamahl - "I like smashing."
Chainer - "Here's a badass monster. What's the Patriarch's hidden name."
Laquatus - "Dunno. Hang on. Alright, here you go."
Chainer - "W00t! You are teh exiled!"
Patriarch - "That's okay. This was all part of my plan."
Chainer - "...k. I rule everything! Let's go kill that bird guy."
Teroh - "Blarg!"
Kamahl - "No man should rule everything."
Chainer - "I do."
Kamahl - "Smash!"
Chainer - ::is smashed::
Part III - Judgment
Kamahl - "You know, maybe I shouldn't mess around with this thing anymore. It's far too powerful."
Gandalf - "You must destroy it in the fires of Mount Doom!"
Kamahl - "Hells yeah!"
Balthor - "We gotta get rid of that thing."
Kamahl - "Where's Mount Doom?"
Balthor - "In Krosa."
Kamahl - "W00t!"
Jeska - "You can't be trusted with that thing."
Kamahl - "SMASH sister!"
Jeska - ::is smashed, but barely alive::
Kamahl - "Oh no! Let's go to Krosa."
Eesha - "Hi! I'm another incredibly important character that surely won't die."
Seton - "Sup."
Kamahl - "Sup, foo."
Seton - "We gotta get rid of that thing."
Kamahl - "Word."
Thriss - "I am an incredibly ancient and wise creature! I will tell you exactly what to do with that thing."
Kamahl - "k."
Thriss - "Put it over there."
Kamahl - "W00t."
Laquatus - "Get him!"
Braids - "Yeah, me too!"
Eesha - "Yay!"
Balthor - "This sucks."
Burke - "Grar." ::smashes Balthor::
Kamahl - "What's that? I detect smashing! I must now smash the smasher."
Balthor - "Yay, I'm evil now! Gonna get ya!"
Laquatus - "Eek!"
Kamahl - "Yes! Let us smash as one!"
Laquatus - "Wait, I control you now."
Balthor - "Sucks."
Kamahl - "Oh, the anguish! I, a pupil of Balthor, must now destroy my own master! Oh, the irony! Oh, the humanity! I am at last growing up as a character! SMASH!"
Balthor - "Blarg."
Laquatus - "Now you must face me in single--"
Kamahl - "SMASH!"
Laquatus - ::dies:: "Wait, I didn't read that right. I was actually interesting. You can't kill me."
Post-Apocalypse Continuity - "Dur, pwetty bird."
Laquatus - "Seriously, what are they going to do for the next three books? Whatever, this is dumb."
Eesha - "I didn't die! Yay!"
Part IV - Onslaught
KING - "I am J. Robert King the Mighty! F*@# continuity! W00t!"
Seton - "Watching over a helpless woman. Minding my own business."
Braids - "Stabs!"
Seton - "Blarg!"
Kamahl - "What happened?"
Braids - "Hey, here's Kamahl's sister."
Patriarch - "Cool. Die!"
Jeska - "Hey, I'm not dead. I'm just--"
Phage - "--different."
Patriarch - "... and hot."
Phage - "I must use this newfound lease on life as an excuse to smash as my brother never could!"
Ixidor - "Ooh, us first!"
Nivea - "Yeah, get some!"
Phage - "Die!"
Nivea - ::dies::
Ixidor - "Oh no! What's a goofy anime-looking guy to do? I will now wander the desert because of ... something."
Kamahl - "Not enough smashing."
KING - "I'm getting to that."
Ixidor - "Wow, I have powers! I'll make my own nation! And a killer angel! And a big castle! But not a plot. Never a plot."
Akroma - "Whee! Die!"
Phage - "Oh no!"
Kamahl - "I'll save you! SMASH!"
Akroma - ::cut in half:: "OW! Still alive, though."
Kamahl - "... WHAT?! No one survives my smashings! I swear a blood oath against you!"
Phage - "Yeah, uh, me too."
Akroma - "Run!"
Ixidor - "What happened to you?"
Akroma - "Got f^&%ed up!"
Ixidor - "Here's a new body. Hmm, wonder if players would still find you attractive if they knew you were a freaky cat-angel-woman. Who cares?"
Akroma - "They're coming!"
Kamahl - "Get some!"
Ixidor - "Better make some shadow guys. That's what you do when you get attacked. You make shadow guys."
Phage - "Oh no, I'm going crazy!"
Deathwurms - "ROAR! We're scary!"
Kamahl - "SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! They're are too many to SMASH!"
Jeska - "You have to kill me! It's the only way to stop the continuity clusterf$@% that is to come!"
Kamahl - "I can't! You're the one person I could never smash!"
Ixidor - "Oh no!"
Deathwurm - "Gonna eat ya!" ::eats Ixidor::
Akroma - "No!"
Braids - "Yeah, this is just dumb. I'm going home."
Deathwurm - "Gonna eat ya too!"
Braids - "H0p!"
Part V - Legions
Braids - "Whee! This is fun! Fall!"
Akroma - "You're mine now!"
Phage - "I'm back and I'm evil! Evil evil!"
Patriarch - "And hot."
Phage - "Yeah, hot too."
Patriarch - "Bow chicka bow-wow."
Kamahl - "The world is in a sad state. I must forgo my smashing from here on and turn to a life of druid shamanism. L8er."
Stonebrow - "I'll take up your cause!"
Akroma - "No more Ixidor? Let's kill everybody!"
Braids - "Yeah, me too! I'm with you! This will surely be a turning point in my character's life!"
Sash - "Boobies!"
Waistcoat - "Farting!"
Zagorka - "This sucks. Let's make a new home."
Stonebrow - "Yeah, Ixidor is overrated. I'm coming too."
Phage - "I'm preggers!"
Patriarch - "Yeah, I think I'll kill you now."
Phage - "Runs! I'll go make a huge coliseum! People haven't had enough pit fighting in the last four books."
Kamahl - "Still brooding."
Sash - "Still boobies!"
Waistcoat - "Still farting!"
Averru - "Ha! I'm not just a town! I'm an ancient wizard that will return to destroy the world!"
Akroma - "Look! Ixidor's alive! But I have no feet!"
Patriarch - "Gonna kill you now."
Braids - "Not if I kill you first!"
Patriarch - "Blarg!"
Phage - "Hey, I wanna hang out with you guys."
Zagorka - "k."
Phage - "Baby!"
Kuberr - "Yes! I'm an ancient wizard that is worshiped as a god, but now I'm a two year old: The target audience for this god-awful storyline!"
Akroma - "Getting bored. Let's go kill Phage!"
Phage - "Fight!"
Akroma - "Fight!"
Zagorka - "Fall out of a window!"
Kamahl - "My brooding is over! I must set to right all the wrongs I have created! Because, y'know, that's worked so well in the past. Time to kill! But with what? Ooh! The shiny ball! Once and for all: SMASH!"
Akroma - "No!"
Phage - "Ick!"
Zagorka - "Argh!"
Sash - "Boobies!"
Karoma - "I am Karoma. I am magic!"
Part VI - Scourge
Karona - "I am Karona. I am magic!"
Kamahl - "Wait, I thought you were Karoma?"
Karona - "Typo."
Kamahl - "Right."
Editor - "Meh."
Otarians - "Worship worship worship!"
Averru - "We have to stop her before she tears continuity a new one!"
Kamahl - "I'll go get Ixidor."
Ixidor - "I'm can't go one without my precious Nivea!"
Kamahl - "SMA--!"
Ixidor - "Okay, okay! Sorry! Let's go."
Karona - "Boom! Boom! Kill everything!"
Sash - "Hey, she's almost as stupid as we are!"
Waistcoat - "Yeah, we're with you!"
Braids - "Me too!"
Karona - "Nah, I just need two flunkies. Die!"
Braids - "Blarg!"
KING - "Can I do something different?"
Post-Apocalypse Continuity - "Yeah, whatever."
KING - "Sweet."
Teferi - "Is it safe to come out yet?"
Karona - "No, and I'm not talking to you right now."
Teferi - "You're not?"
Karona - "Nope. This isn't happening."
Teferi - "... Okay. Tell me when Time Spiral starts."
Yawgmoth - "I'm alive, *****! Alive! Nothing can stop me!"
Dommermuth - "Oh crap!"
Averru - "Let's make her a perfect match, then kill her!"
Kuberr - "That'd never work. Too stupid."
Karona - "Yeah, but I'm stupid."
Kuberr - "Right, sorry. Let's do that then."
Kamahl - "You r teh exiled!"
Karona - "No!"
Serra - "I'm still alive, too!"
Dommermuth - "Somebody stop him!"
Karona - "Mercadian Phyrexians! Yawgmoth again!"
Dommermuth - "KIIIIIING!"
Kirk - "KAAAAHN!"
Dominaria - "We're gonna die with no magic!"
Karn - "I'll save you!"
Gerrard - "Wait, what about me?"
Karn - "No, just me."
Gerrard - "Why do you get to come back?"
Karn - "Well, I created the Mirari in the first place. It was originally intended to be a probe so I could monitor things happening on Dominaria while I'm off brooding on Mirrodin."
Gerrard - "Why'd you make a probe that can blow up nations?"
Karn - "Yeah, I'm new at this. My bad."
Karona - "I'm back."
Kamahl - "SMASH!"
Karona - "Ha! Not even you can smash magic!"
Kuberr - "Blarg!"
Ixidor - "Blarg!"
Averru - "Blarg!"
Sash/Waistcoat - "Boobies/farting!"
Karona - "NO! Blarg!"
Karn - "Jeska, you okay?"
Jeska - "Yeah. It's a good thing they made me a planeswalker, seeing as how I'm such a fan-favorite."
Casual Magic Player - "Who?"
Kamahl - "Yay, let's go get a beer."
Dommermuth - "Oh bollocks."
KING - "Tee hee!"
Xbox Live - eidtelnvil
PlayStation Network - eidtelnvil
Currently reading It by Stephen King
Currently playing Persona 4
Karn - "Yeah, I'm new at this. My bad."
haha.
As for the rest of Scourge... is there a word that fully combines "insane laughter" and "soul-gouging sobbing" at the same time? I'm still of the opinion that Time Spiral is around simply to erase that entire block, Crisis of Infinite Earths style. Either that, or Jaya, Jodah, Jeska, Jhoira, and anyone else starting with "J" are gonna team up to go hunting J. Robert King, in a the trilogy Jack***, Justice, and um... Jamboree?
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Articles
Winner of SSC 1 & ">3 & 6
The J-Team shall unite to crush their immortal foe: The King of discontinuity.....Who shall win, who shall lose? Are the combined forces of the J-Team enough to stop the King? Or, will The King triumph in making a hole in the plot so large not even a second Revision can save it? We shall see, we shall see indeed.
Just remember kids; same magic time, same magic channel!!!!
The everpresent fungus among us.
EDH
Scion of the Ur-Dragon
Grand Arbiter Agustian IV
Arcum Dagsson
Jhoira of the Ghitu
Korlash, Heir to Blackblade
Ghave, Guru of Spores
Zedruu the Greathearted
Rakka Mar
Animar, Soul of Elements
Talrand, Sky Summoner
Heider, Rimewind Master
Ruric Thar, the Unbowed
Mairsil, the Pretender
Edric, Spymaster of Trest (snake tribal)
Jarad, Gogari Lich Lord
Dralnu, Lich Lord (lands, instants, and sorcerys)
For the record, I did not come up with the "Cosmic Ferret of Doom" title for Leshrac. During the planning stages of the Planeswalker War comics, Jeff Grubb actually wrote the script for one of the Prelude to War comics (which would have been the precursors to the Planeswalker War comics themselves). So, I gleaned the "Cosmic Ferret of Doom" from my notes on the Planeswalker War. Go Go Jeff Grubb! (Add him to the "J" Team!)
Current J-Team Members:
Resident God (since he made some of the characters and is a writer regardless) Jeff "Jrubb" Grubb
Planeswalkers:
"Jeferi"
Jeska
Jaya
The Really Old Mortals of Significance (TROMS):
Jodah
Jhoira
Evil King Of Discontinuity
Minnions:
God-like Being:
Karona, False Plot
The Primevals, Avatars of unneeded Plot Thickening
Numena, Addtional Avatars of Unnecessary Complications
The opposites:
Akroma, Angel of "I <3 Ixidor"
Phage (you figure out how Jeska and Phage can fight)
Other Anti-plot Warriors:
Kamhal, The One Demensional Lead
These are the forces that will do battle for th futrue of the Multiverse.....
Edit: I figure that I should point this out before someone else notices it. The J-team is not mine, but another's not sure who it was, but it was in one of the forums that Mcgough comments in. I just thought I'd bring it in, since it seemed useful. Just tell me who to give the credit to and I will.
Edit2: All credit is our esteamed (yep misspelled on purpose) moderator's; The Squirle Master.
The everpresent fungus among us.
EDH
Scion of the Ur-Dragon
Grand Arbiter Agustian IV
Arcum Dagsson
Jhoira of the Ghitu
Korlash, Heir to Blackblade
Ghave, Guru of Spores
Zedruu the Greathearted
Rakka Mar
Animar, Soul of Elements
Talrand, Sky Summoner
Heider, Rimewind Master
Ruric Thar, the Unbowed
Mairsil, the Pretender
Edric, Spymaster of Trest (snake tribal)
Jarad, Gogari Lich Lord
Dralnu, Lich Lord (lands, instants, and sorcerys)
I have opened the thread in the morning in the work and my colleagues now think that I am insane because of my explosions of laugh.
John, Zaz, and Eid: Pure goodness !!!! Dunno which I like the best, all three are pure gold.
And yeah, I remember Squirle's invention of Jeferi
Let this great clan rest in peace (2001-2011)
And . . . In today's episode:
"Hey! I'm part of the J-Team! I can save the world! You need me! I'm the culmination of a planeswalker's work! Ignore those who think I'm useless. I promise I can save the world. I won't run away from the task again. Please?"
- GERRARD
JODAH: Why would we accept you? We're the J-Team.
GERRARD: My name's pronounced with a soft /G/ sound, isn't it?
JRKing: Mwuahahaha! I have infiltrated the J-Team!
JAYA: Since you apparently aren't able to infiltrate it yourself. You're single "J" initial isn't enough to entice us! And no amount of plot-demolishing will help you!
JODAH: I don't think we could accept that.
GERRARD: Why not? Teferi doesn't even start with a "J."
TEFERI: But I'm more impressive than you.
GERRARD: (*angsts*)
JRKing: Back to the drawing room . . .
JAYA: (*ignites JRKing's computer*)
JRKing: Foiled!
JARED: Oh yeah!
And to Squirle: all credit and copyrights for the "J-Team" and all subsequent lincenses/books/movie deals are yours. I went back and edited my post.
The everpresent fungus among us.
EDH
Scion of the Ur-Dragon
Grand Arbiter Agustian IV
Arcum Dagsson
Jhoira of the Ghitu
Korlash, Heir to Blackblade
Ghave, Guru of Spores
Zedruu the Greathearted
Rakka Mar
Animar, Soul of Elements
Talrand, Sky Summoner
Heider, Rimewind Master
Ruric Thar, the Unbowed
Mairsil, the Pretender
Edric, Spymaster of Trest (snake tribal)
Jarad, Gogari Lich Lord
Dralnu, Lich Lord (lands, instants, and sorcerys)