Jon Finkel Facts

[FirstType]

Presenting...

...in honor of Jon Finkel winning Pro Tour Luala Lumpur (his 3rd PT win, and 12th PT Top 8)...

Jon Finkel Facts (please play this game by adding more! let's see how long we can keep this thread going!):

[Edit: By the way, this MTGSalvation post is the original post that started this meme. It's been picked up on other MTG websites and forums and has become a chain email, but it all started here.]

- There are three leading causes of game loss: zero life, zero cards in library, and Jon Finkel.

- Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice—because he was trying to count how much damage Jon Finkel deals in an average game.

- Bounce cards were printed so that creatures could temporarily escape from Jon Finkel.

- Ninjas, heroes, angels, dragons, and other creatures grow up wanting to be just like Jon Finkel. But usually, they grow up just to be removed by Jon Finkel.

- Jon Finkel doesn't need counterspells. All the creatures his opponents summon are afraid to come into play.

- Jon Finkel doesn't draw. He tutors. Every turn.

- Jon Finkel cannot lose; he can only spare opponents for a few more turns.

- Jon Finkel removes creatures and reanimates them to attack and kill more creatures. This is the cycle of life.

- There is no evolution. Just creatures which Jon Finkel hasn't removed yet.

- Jon Finkel never has to deal twenty damage. He deals one damage, and the other nineteen life abandon their player in fear.

- Jon Finkel never gets mana-screwed. Mana is afraid to screw with Jon Finkel.

- The removed from game zone exists because many cards are afraid to be in the same game as Jon Finkel.

- Jon Finkel only needs one basic land to get blackjack.

- There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jon Finkel's left hand and Jon Finkel's right hand.

- Jon Finkel never blocks; he just attacks from the opposite direction.

- When bad things happen to bad players, it's because they suck at the game. When bad things happen to good players, it's because they're playing against Jon Finkel.

- Professor X once tried to read Jon Finkel's mind to see what was in his hand. Now Professor X is sitting in a wheelchair.

- Dave Price once said, "There are no wrong threats, only wrong answers." That’s true only because all of Jon Finkel's threats are right, and all answers against Jon Finkel are wrong.

- Jon Finkel plays and wins Two-Headed Giant—by himself.

- Jon Finkel doesn't need to sleep with a gun under his pillow; just a basic land is enough to deal with any threat.

- The Berlin Wall fell because Jon Finkel attacked through it.

- Jon Finkel has never bought a Magic card. His entire collection comes from all the ante games he's won.

- Jon Finkel thinks the word mercy just means a turn-one kill, rather than winning when he sits down at the table.

- Cards wear Jon Finkel sleeves, and pros wear Jon Finkel boxers.

- Jon Finkel's creatures don't have to tap to attack, and his lands don't have to tap to produce mana.

- Jon Finkel wins clashes using basic lands.

- Jon Finkel can play Magic Online without a connection to the Internet.

- In order to control illegal immigration into the United States, the President asked Jon Finkel to declare blockers.

- There are bad plays, sub-optimal plays, optimal plays, and Jon Finkel plays. Jon Finkel plays are like optimal plays, except that they win games in fewer turns.

- Every time Jon Finkel taps a land, a woman has an orgasm.

- Jon Finkel ran out of cards in his library, but he didn't get decked. Jon Finkel doesn't have to draw cards if he doesn’t want to, because he doesn't need cards to win.

- Damage doesn't kill players. Jon Finkel kills players.

- The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World were the cards in Jon Finkel's opening hand.

- Jon Finkel doesn't bother to draft removal. He is removal.

- All your lands are belong to Jon Finkel.

- When God gets angry, creatures die. When Jon Finkel gets angry, players die.

(See also post #21 for a lot more Jon Finkel Facts from me.)

[Redfalcon]

Jon Finkel can divide by zero.

And those were all very good by the way, very creative.

[Sakura]

When John Finkle plays Instants and Sorceries, they automatically go into play. This creates a Black hole of rules violations which suck everyone inside and crush them to the size of an atom....Except John Finkle, because his atoms sre already compressed Magic players.

[RatNinjaPirateSamurai]

Originally Posted by FirstType

- Jon Finkel never gets mana-screwed. Mana is afraid to screw with Jon Finkel.

I lol'd.

[herohammer]

Jon Finkel once played a R/G deck with Wood Elementals and Mudhole. Gleemax forsaw that this would end magic so he traveled back in time to close the rift...err stop Yawgmoth...err Finkel from doing this by making mudhole and wood elemental suck and anticombo with eachother.

[ninety9nights]

I'm feeling that this is gonna be like the Chuck Norris thread...

I like it.. LOL

[Fajen Thygia]

Those are almost all entirely gold.

The DCI doesn't give out suspensions. They give out reprieves from Jon Finkel.

[Ghyrt]

Jon Finkel has shroud
Jon Finkel has protection from players
Spells and abilities Jon Finkel controls have split second
Jon Finkel broke Squire

[spiderboy4]

In order to control illegal immigration into the United States, the President asked Jon Finkel to declare blockers.

this one is my favorite. keep them coming..

[toor]

Jon Finkel almost won the Vintage World Championships with Homelands preconstructed deck, he decided to cure cancer with it instead.

Tarmogoyf was created when John Finkel tried to cast squire.

Japan became good at magic when John Finkel tried sushi.

When John Finkel tried to High Roll against himself Kamigawa Block was created.

[DInfiltrator]

Norin was once a great warrior, then he saw Jon Finkel. This caused him to near-constantly head into hiding, fearing Finkel's return.

I saw this place, and just had to post something. Go Finkel!

[Fajen Thygia]

Jon Finkel is a legal card to name for "Ach, Hans, Run!" The only reason he has never been chosen is that every player's throat closes up in fear when they try to say his name.

[Alacar Leoricar]

Jon Finkel doesn't tap his cards with his hands. He only looks at them and they turn sideways.

[DInfiltrator]

Jon Finkel pays two mana for spells cast through a Trinisphere.

[w455up]

Originally Posted by FirstType

Presenting...
- Jon Finkel doesn’t need to draw a Wrath of God to clear the board. All creatures die whenever Jon Finkel gets angry.

Have we forgotten his invitational card submission before Shadowmage Infiltrator?:

Wrath of Leknif
1WWU
Sorcery

Destroy all creatures. They can't be regenerated. Untap 4 lands you control.

So, yes, quite literally all creatures die when Jon Finkel gets angry