I don't know if anyone has seen these anywhere else, but I didn't find them here and thought you guys would get a laugh out of it.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
According to Einstein's theory of reletivity, chuck norris can actually round house kick you yesterday.
If chuck norris is late, then time better slow the f* down
A man compared chuck norris to Jean claud vandam once. once.
Chuck norris does not take a bit out of crime, he swallows crime whole and demands seconds.
"The Incredible Hulk" is the nick name for chuck norris's package.
Contrary to popular belief, superman is not just weak against kryptonite. His other weakness is ckuck norris.
Chuck norris's favorite colour is cold blood.
You know sometimes you kinda feel depressed but you don't know why? thats because chuck norris is asleep.
Chuck norris infact has a house that is round.
You lose one year of your total life expectancy everytime you look at the image of chuck norris.
Chuck norris is the love child of Willie Nelson and a mystical ninja mummy.
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is “The Two”
Chuck Norris’ iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord.
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
him across the face several times.
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse k
kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more
money than you.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’
birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25
th is known as Jesus’ birthday.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its
chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
Chuvk Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the
world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck
Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his
fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful
way to die.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the
dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people.
It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you
will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he’s sad he roundhouse kicks
himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can
survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
Chuck Norris’ sperm is so energetic that when he busts… Well, I’ll leave the rest
up to your imagination.
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly
with “Don’t you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?”
Chuck Norris’ evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the
hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard’s curly, well kept hair, Chuck
Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard
Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass,
The Incredible Hulk.
Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight
savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
Wow...I was just looking at these yesterday...some more.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
To save money in special effects costs in his latest film, director Peter Jackson cast Chuck Norris as King Kong. To prepare for the role, he did not shave for three days, and ate an entire college basketball team.
-Alpha
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Quote from TheFooFish »
Lies! -I'm Buffy Summers, town tracker. I used my ability on you and saw that you didn't use any abilities before the game started. My flavor is I was sucked through a mysterious space-time portal and I'm here to kill all the vampires, and my tracking ability is a combination of my Slayer and Native American skills.
The "Mythbusters" once tested to see if Chuck Norris' beard was actaully indestructable. The only thing busted that day were the mythbuster's heads after repeated roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray as eye drops.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
In forty years time, people will no longer die, not because of advanced medical science, but rather because when death came for Chuck Norris, Chuch Norris came looking for death...
At first, God had designed Chuck Norris to be able to roundhouse kick people without moving his leg, but Chuck Norris thought that was to sissy and God regretted it.
Chuck Norris's cohost on the "Ultimate Gym" commercials is not really hot. Chuck Norris's control of reality causes her to appear so.
When a black cat crosses Chuck Norris's path, it turns white in terror, and then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks it. This accounts for 2/3rds of all cat-in-tree incidents in the US.
Once Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a dictionary, the result was the confusion revolving around lay, lie, laid, lied, and layed.
When Chuck Norris stubbs his toe on furniture, it becomes firewood instantly.
Chuck Norris is why the keyboard is organized the way it is.
Once Chuck Norris was in Mexico and needed to go #2, the toilet asked "Donde esta el Chuck Norris", and ran like hell the other direction.
Chuck Norris is why Wizards Inc. prints bad cards, MaRo is just to afraid of Chuck Norris to admit it.
Don't believe your english teacher, in Macbeth, the forest moves to escape Chuck Norris.
The depletion of the Amazon Rainforest is completely due to a plaid flanel shirt owned by Chuck Norris.
The Earth is off axis due to Chuck Norris's beard.
Fire was discovered only after Chuck Norris stopped being a fireman and fire wasnt so afraid anymore.
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Formerly known as steve-o
The internet is like drugs, it can be alot of fun, but most people on it say really stupid stuff
Lol, these are great. "Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse you yesterday". Lol. I love these almost as much as Chuck Norris. They kinda me of Conan O'Brien when he pulls his little Chuck norris lever and they play a really random clip and Conan makes fun of it.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
Thats awesome... i found this a while ago:
Bill Gates has nearly placed a computer in every household in America, Chuck Norris hopes to mimic this stunt with the Total Gym by 2037.
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Selling Foil Fetchlands, Judge Promos, and MORE HERE
I acctually figured this out, he pushes it so fast that it creates a sonic boom.
Blitzkrieg is the German word for Chuck Norris.
Stores will accept Monopoly money if Chuck Norris is paying.
if god had a favorite color it would be chuck norris
*shrug*
This all stemmed from the whole SNL Bill Brasky skits, which breeded all the amusing Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris facts.
"Bill Brasky is a son of a *****!"
"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"
"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"
"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"
"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."
"He sweats Gatorade"
"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."
"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"
"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."
"He sheds his skin once a year."
"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."
"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"
"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."
"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."
"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."
"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"
"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."
"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."
"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."
"They found $60 in change in his stomach."
"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."
"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."
"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"
"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."
"He date raped David Bowie."
"He once inhaled a seagull."
"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."
"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."
"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."
"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."
"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."
"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."
"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."
"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"
"He has dandruff the size of mice!"
"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"
"He conjured Neville Chamberlain!"
"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"
"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."
"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."
"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."
"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."
"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."
"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."
"He has a toenail on the end of his *****."
"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."
"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."
"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."
"He breastfeeds John Madden."
"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."
"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"
"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."
"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."
"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."
"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."
"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."
"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"
"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."
"He thinks the Iron Man is gay."
"He framed Roger Rabbit."
"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."
"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."
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TFEian Empire
Owner of Senori's Soul
Friend of RBS, FFFB, 499, Mythos, House Dimir, Rakdos, and Hyrule.
Dictator of
When I first went to the site, I immediately thought up something to the effect of "Chuck Norris lives in a perfectly round house," but didn't submit it, assuming that someone already had this brilliant idea.
You are lucky Chuck Norris never reads MTG forums because, if he read what you just wrote, he would find out where you are and give you a roundhouse kick to the face.
[card=Dismal Failure]"Two magi could trade spells all day and never crown a victor.
The real battle is not one of power but of will.
If your confidence breaks, so too shall you." —Venser[/card]
Mr. Rogers was actually Chuck Norris in desguise to keep young kids in line. If he sees any youngster doing something stupid, like talking bad about Chuck Norris, he would rounhouse kick them to the face and say "Welcome to the neighborhood of my foot"
Only Chuck Norris can kill Chuck Norris cause only Chuck Norris knows Chuck Norris' weakness.
(the factsabout Chuck have been on since 2005 and still going)
[card=Dismal Failure]"Two magi could trade spells all day and never crown a victor.
The real battle is not one of power but of will.
If your confidence breaks, so too shall you." —Venser[/card]
Chuck Norris accidentally lit himself on fire. He burned continuously for two months before someone told him. Immediately after being told, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the man three hundred years into the future.
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Banner and avatar by me.
Official Character Sheet Shredder of DAMNIT
DAMNIT: I should never have to shred my own character sheet in frustration.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
According to Einstein's theory of reletivity, chuck norris can actually round house kick you yesterday.
If chuck norris is late, then time better slow the f* down
A man compared chuck norris to Jean claud vandam once. once.
Chuck norris does not take a bit out of crime, he swallows crime whole and demands seconds.
"The Incredible Hulk" is the nick name for chuck norris's package.
Contrary to popular belief, superman is not just weak against kryptonite. His other weakness is ckuck norris.
Chuck norris's favorite colour is cold blood.
You know sometimes you kinda feel depressed but you don't know why? thats because chuck norris is asleep.
Chuck norris infact has a house that is round.
You lose one year of your total life expectancy everytime you look at the image of chuck norris.
Chuck norris is the love child of Willie Nelson and a mystical ninja mummy.
Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Chuck Norris kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is “The Two”
Chuck Norris’ iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord.
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked
him across the face several times.
China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse k
kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more
money than you.
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’
birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25
th is known as Jesus’ birthday.
When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its
chain and the back tire.
Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.
Chuvk Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the
world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck
Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his
fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful
way to die.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the
dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people.
It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you
will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he’s sad he roundhouse kicks
himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can
survive the roundhouse.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds
Chuck Norris’ sperm is so energetic that when he busts… Well, I’ll leave the rest
up to your imagination.
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly
with “Don’t you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?”
Chuck Norris’ evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the
hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard’s curly, well kept hair, Chuck
Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard
Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass,
The Incredible Hulk.
Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight
savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
To save money in special effects costs in his latest film, director Peter Jackson cast Chuck Norris as King Kong. To prepare for the role, he did not shave for three days, and ate an entire college basketball team.
-Alpha
The "Mythbusters" once tested to see if Chuck Norris' beard was actaully indestructable. The only thing busted that day were the mythbuster's heads after repeated roundhouse kicks.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray as eye drops.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
In forty years time, people will no longer die, not because of advanced medical science, but rather because when death came for Chuck Norris, Chuch Norris came looking for death...
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What others say about me:
Sven Dostei
Unofficial Official arrogant teenage elitist of The Ivory Tower
there's a rather large compendium of these on the Random Joke thread that me and Kank have made..
but still funny! good job! this should be the official archives:tongue3:
thanks to the Epic Graphics crew! it's EPIC!
OFFICIAL DRUG-ADDICT WANNABE OF [ROBOT JESUS!!!!] OOH-RAH!
Chuck Norris's cohost on the "Ultimate Gym" commercials is not really hot. Chuck Norris's control of reality causes her to appear so.
When a black cat crosses Chuck Norris's path, it turns white in terror, and then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks it. This accounts for 2/3rds of all cat-in-tree incidents in the US.
Once Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a dictionary, the result was the confusion revolving around lay, lie, laid, lied, and layed.
When Chuck Norris stubbs his toe on furniture, it becomes firewood instantly.
Chuck Norris is why the keyboard is organized the way it is.
Once Chuck Norris was in Mexico and needed to go #2, the toilet asked "Donde esta el Chuck Norris", and ran like hell the other direction.
Chuck Norris is why Wizards Inc. prints bad cards, MaRo is just to afraid of Chuck Norris to admit it.
Don't believe your english teacher, in Macbeth, the forest moves to escape Chuck Norris.
The depletion of the Amazon Rainforest is completely due to a plaid flanel shirt owned by Chuck Norris.
The Earth is off axis due to Chuck Norris's beard.
Fire was discovered only after Chuck Norris stopped being a fireman and fire wasnt so afraid anymore.
The internet is like drugs, it can be alot of fun, but most people on it say really stupid stuff
Thats awesome... i found this a while ago:
Bill Gates has nearly placed a computer in every household in America, Chuck Norris hopes to mimic this stunt with the Total Gym by 2037.
I acctually figured this out, he pushes it so fast that it creates a sonic boom.
Blitzkrieg is the German word for Chuck Norris.
Stores will accept Monopoly money if Chuck Norris is paying.
if god had a favorite color it would be chuck norris
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
You know what happened to that Rocky Dennis kid. Chuck Norris happened and so did a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a bat signal... he uses the sun.
Twomz's Trading thread
This all stemmed from the whole SNL Bill Brasky skits, which breeded all the amusing Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris facts.
"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"
"Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!"
"One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
"He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!"
"His poop is used as currency in Argentina."
"He sweats Gatorade"
"He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health."
"He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!"
"I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury."
"He sheds his skin once a year."
"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."
"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!"
"I once saw him eat a whole live chicken."
"His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson."
"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."
"Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!"
"Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese."
"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."
"He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child."
"They found $60 in change in his stomach."
"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."
"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."
"Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'"
"They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."
"He date raped David Bowie."
"He once inhaled a seagull."
"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."
"It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."
"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."
"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."
"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel."
"He once ate the Bible while water skiing."
"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."
"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"
"He has dandruff the size of mice!"
"He jogged with a fridge on his back!"
"He conjured Neville Chamberlain!"
"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!"
"His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk."
"He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."
"He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen."
"He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle."
"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."
"Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart."
"He has a toenail on the end of his *****."
"Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms."
"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong."
"Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."
"He breastfeeds John Madden."
"Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."
"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'"
"They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium."
"Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels."
"All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos."
"He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."
"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."
"Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"
"Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films."
"He thinks the Iron Man is gay."
"He framed Roger Rabbit."
"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men."
"He gave a handjob to a manta ray."
Owner of Senori's Soul
Friend of RBS, FFFB, 499, Mythos, House Dimir, Rakdos, and Hyrule.
Dictator of
[thread=43661][/thread]
And has now come full circle with the Young Chuck Norris music video:
http://youtube.com/w/Young-Chuck-Norris---SNL?v=NBSpNPzVsMM
When I first went to the site, I immediately thought up something to the effect of "Chuck Norris lives in a perfectly round house," but didn't submit it, assuming that someone already had this brilliant idea.
Thanks to MasterBeeble, I know this to be true.
Chuck Norris can play Evermind.
Check it out: http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx
Interesting note, if you actually just go to www.chucknorris.com you can hear a wonderful greeting from the legend himself.
Ah i love these.
Hopeless...
Entertaining the innocent...
lmao! id figured he'd seen them before, but...wow. he'd better put a few of them in his book :tongue3:
thanks to the Epic Graphics crew! it's EPIC!
OFFICIAL DRUG-ADDICT WANNABE OF [ROBOT JESUS!!!!] OOH-RAH!
Chuck Noris > you
:symr::symu: Reality Bites
:symr::symu: Delver Cyclops
:symr::symu: Niv Control EDH
:symg::symw: Sigarda EDH
The real battle is not one of power but of will.
If your confidence breaks, so too shall you."
—Venser[/card]
In fact, Chuck would roundhouse kick you in the face so hard, you'd die before you posted that.
Twomz's Trading thread
Mr. Rogers can kill Chuck Norris.
|[Æther]|The Birth of Mr. Mxyzptlk|
Only Chuck Norris can kill Chuck Norris cause only Chuck Norris knows Chuck Norris' weakness.
(the factsabout Chuck have been on since 2005 and still going)
:symr::symu: Reality Bites
:symr::symu: Delver Cyclops
:symr::symu: Niv Control EDH
:symg::symw: Sigarda EDH
The real battle is not one of power but of will.
If your confidence breaks, so too shall you."
—Venser[/card]
Chuck Norris first picks Ancestral Recall out of Ravnica packs. All the time.
Chuck Norris mulligans down to 0 to let his opponents think they stand a chance.
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:symw::symu::symb::symr::symg:Child of Alara:symw::symu::symb::symr::symg:
:symw::symu:Hanna, Ship's Navigator:symw::symu:
:symg::symu::symb:The Mimeoplasm:symg::symu::symb: