Scars Have Ripped my Soul: A Tale of Mirrodin Ch.2
A great army is shown made up of myr. It seems their numbers are endless, and that nothing will stop them. Tezzeret, the new agent of Nichol Bolas himself is shown looking out of his new fortress. He smirks as he notices the myr marching in sequence. His squire comes into the room, and he turns to face him.
Squire: "Sir, what are your wishes for the army today?"
Tezzeret smirks a little.
Tezz: "Have the army prepare for battle....I want to see them ready and able to fight."
The squire nods and heads out of the room. Tezzeret averts his gaze to an esper flag on the wall.
Tezz: "I remember this all so well...the once great Esper. I know that in time I will bring you back to remembrance. Right now, I am just an agent of Nichol Bolas, but I will regain my power. I have not forgotten who I am...and I will stop this madness."
He steps out onto the balcony, and looks into the distance.
Tezz: "Mirran....Phyrexia. This war has raged on far too long already, and yet, it has just begun. This all must be stopped once and for all if we have a hope of any of us surviving."
The squire comes back in.
Squire: "Master Tezzeret, you have a visitor."
Tezzeret looks towards the door, and Elspeth Tirel steps in. Tezzeret smirks a little at her.
Tezzeret: "Well look who it is. It is awfully brave of you to come all this way Elspeth."
She glares at him.
Elspeth: "I have come on business."
Tezzeret motions towards his living area.
Tezz: "Right this way."
The two step into the parlor, and take a seat.
Elspeth: "Tezzeret, I have come to ask for your help."
He looks curiously.
Tezz: "I'm listening, but make it quick."
She nods.
Elspeth: "Tezzeret, the Alara Plane has been destroyed. Bant is no more...the Eldrazi invaded from Zendikar and I don't know who else to ask for help..."
Tezzeret cuts her off.
Tezz: "I see where this is going. Elspeth, I can't help you. Nichol Bolas gave me strict orders to evacuate my troops when the Eldrazi came. He allowed your kingdom to perish, and there is nothing more I can do for you. It is best you leave."
Elspeth stands to her feet.
Elspeth: "YOU COWARD!"
He stands up.
Tezz: "GET OUT ELSPETH!"
She draws her sword, but he quickly smacks it away.
Tezz: "Guards!"
Suddenly two huge Relics grab her. She struggles, but is quickly overpowered.
Tezz: "Take her to the Steel Overseer....he will judge what shall become of her. I press the charge of treason...be sure to let him know."
Elspeth screams at him as she is being drug away.
Elsepth: "YOU TRAITOR! I HOPE JACE KILLS YOU WHEN HE GETS HERE!!!"
Tezzeret merely laughs as the guards drag her away.
Here is something to consider when using someone else's character (as Tezzeret and Elspeth are Creative's brain childs): You need to determine, out-line and write down - just for yourself - their psychological profile. And then, when you go on to write your story, you have to adhere to this profile and make sure it's water-tight, otherwise, the chosen characters feel off, or, out of their usual role.
For example, Tezzeret seems to be smirking 24/7, whilst being very accepting of his fate. Also, for reasons that are unknown to the readers, he cares for the people on Mirrodin, and has hopes for them surviving. Why does he suddenly care? It's Tezzeret. He cares about himself.
On the other hand, Elspeth. She fought him before, she knows Tezzeret is not a nice buddy of hers. Calling him a coward for letting Bant die ... seems far-fetched. Tezzeret has no obligations towards Bant, and a mere "Sucks to be you." is a good answer. Also, Tezzeret simply smacking her sword away like a fly is a little bit ... odd. Elspeth trained years as a knight, Tezzeret trained years as a ... uhm ... artificer. Her bladeskills surpass his by far. We all know and see that Elspeth is on an emo-trip, but don't depict her as a weakling. It's just, again, out of character and odd.
Otherwise, keep in mind that abbreviations are a sign of "saving time", which may come across as reduced effort. Calling Tezzeret "Tezz" when you chit-chat about cards is completely fine, in a book/story, the author should take the time to write the full name - unless another character speaks his name in such a manner. Lhianna or Chandra, for example, would both be candidates for using an abbreviated name to mock or belittle someone. But that's what they say - outside of speech, full name.
If you have a conversation, try to bind it together in a way that it is obvious who is speaking, without using the indicators at the beginning. While it's very straight forward to read, as it without a doubt tells us who is saying what, it interrupts the flow of the writing, as things come to a full stop before the next sentence. If you want a piece of text to be immersive, make sure it flows nicely. For example:
Elspeth stands to her feet.
Elspeth rose from the seat the artificer had asigned to her. Anger clouded her mind, as she thought of her home, devastated by those ancients evils. "You ... disgust me, Seeker. Even now, when you coul make a change, you rather avert your eyes and play your petty games of subterfuge." The Esperite grinned, as a brief flash of memories gave him exactly the answer he needed. "You best leave me now, Elspeth. Bant and Esper will both vanish, and I won't shed a single tear. Cry one for me, will you. Now - Guards! I don't require her presence anymore." Elspeth reached for her sword, as rage flowed through her body, but the strong metallic claws of a pair of Golems made it obvious that this was not the time to fight. She could have obliberated the entire room, but in a glimpse of rememberance, she calmed her storming mind and accepted his decision. She left.
If you cut the speech into tidbits and give the reader just short stage directions (Character A gets up, angry. "Bla bla bla!" Character B gets up, too, defensive. "Bla bla bla!") it reads like a script for a theater piece or a movie, but not like a flowing story. While I can see why you did it this way, try to push yourself to sew everything together as a package, so the sentences weave a scene that a reader can immerse himself into.
Hope this helps you, I am curious about the next part!
PS: Past participle of drag: dragged. There are no drugs involved, I hope.
Scars Have Ripped my Soul: A Tale of Mirrodin Ch.2
A great army is shown made up of myr. It seems their numbers are endless, and that nothing will stop them. Tezzeret, the new agent of Nichol Bolas himself is shown looking out of his new fortress. He smirks as he notices the myr marching in sequence. His squire comes into the room, and he turns to face him.
"Sir, what are your wishes for the army today?"
Tezzeret smirks a little.
"Have the army prepare for battle....I want to see them ready and able to fight."
The squire nods and heads out of the room. Tezzeret averts his gaze to an esper flag on the wall.
"I remember this all so well...the once great Esper. I know that in time I will bring you back to remembrance. Right now, I am just an agent of Nichol Bolas, but I will regain my power. I have not forgotten who I am...and I will stop this madness."
He steps out onto the balcony, and looks into the distance.
"Mirran....Phyrexia. This war has raged on far too long already, and yet, it has just begun. This all must be stopped once and for all if we have a hope of any of us surviving."
The squire comes back in.
"Master Tezzeret, you have a visitor."
Tezzeret looks towards the door, and Elspeth Tirel steps in. Tezzeret smirks a little at her.
"Well look who it is. It is awfully brave of you to come all this way Elspeth."
She glares at him.
"I have come on business."
Tezzeret motions towards his living area.
"Right this way, though you probably already know my answer."
The two step into the parlor, and take a seat.
"Tezzeret, I have come to ask for your help."
He looks curiously.
"I'm listening, but make it quick."
She nods.
"Tezzeret, the Alara Plane has been destroyed. Bant is no more...the Eldrazi invaded from Zendikar and I don't know who else to ask for help..."
Tezzeret cuts her off.
"I see where this is going. Elspeth, I can't help you. Nichol Bolas gave me strict orders to evacuate my troops when the Eldrazi came. He allowed your kingdom to perish, and there is nothing more I can do for you. It is best you leave."
Elspeth stands to her feet.
"You're pathetic Tezzeret! I knew better than to come here!"
He stands up.
"GET OUT ELSPETH!"
She draws her sword, and lunges towards Tezzeret. He barely escapes the blade, and manages to yell.
"Guards!"
Suddenly two huge Relics grab her. She struggles, but is quickly overpowered. Tezzeret laughs at her.
"Take her to the Steel Overseer....he will judge what shall become of her. I press the charge of treason...be sure to let him know."
Elspeth screams at him as she is being drug away.
"YOU TRAITOR! I HOPE JACE KILLS YOU WHEN HE GETS HERE!!!"
Tezzeret merely laughs as the guards drag her away.
A great army is shown made up of myr. It seems their numbers are endless, and that nothing will stop them. Tezzeret, the new agent of Nichol Bolas himself is shown looking out of his new fortress. He smirks as he notices the myr marching in sequence. His squire comes into the room, and he turns to face him.
Squire: "Sir, what are your wishes for the army today?"
Tezzeret smirks a little.
Tezz: "Have the army prepare for battle....I want to see them ready and able to fight."
The squire nods and heads out of the room. Tezzeret averts his gaze to an esper flag on the wall.
Tezz: "I remember this all so well...the once great Esper. I know that in time I will bring you back to remembrance. Right now, I am just an agent of Nichol Bolas, but I will regain my power. I have not forgotten who I am...and I will stop this madness."
He steps out onto the balcony, and looks into the distance.
Tezz: "Mirran....Phyrexia. This war has raged on far too long already, and yet, it has just begun. This all must be stopped once and for all if we have a hope of any of us surviving."
The squire comes back in.
Squire: "Master Tezzeret, you have a visitor."
Tezzeret looks towards the door, and Elspeth Tirel steps in. Tezzeret smirks a little at her.
Tezzeret: "Well look who it is. It is awfully brave of you to come all this way Elspeth."
She glares at him.
Elspeth: "I have come on business."
Tezzeret motions towards his living area.
Tezz: "Right this way."
The two step into the parlor, and take a seat.
Elspeth: "Tezzeret, I have come to ask for your help."
He looks curiously.
Tezz: "I'm listening, but make it quick."
She nods.
Elspeth: "Tezzeret, the Alara Plane has been destroyed. Bant is no more...the Eldrazi invaded from Zendikar and I don't know who else to ask for help..."
Tezzeret cuts her off.
Tezz: "I see where this is going. Elspeth, I can't help you. Nichol Bolas gave me strict orders to evacuate my troops when the Eldrazi came. He allowed your kingdom to perish, and there is nothing more I can do for you. It is best you leave."
Elspeth stands to her feet.
Elspeth: "YOU COWARD!"
He stands up.
Tezz: "GET OUT ELSPETH!"
She draws her sword, but he quickly smacks it away.
Tezz: "Guards!"
Suddenly two huge Relics grab her. She struggles, but is quickly overpowered.
Tezz: "Take her to the Steel Overseer....he will judge what shall become of her. I press the charge of treason...be sure to let him know."
Elspeth screams at him as she is being drug away.
Elsepth: "YOU TRAITOR! I HOPE JACE KILLS YOU WHEN HE GETS HERE!!!"
Tezzeret merely laughs as the guards drag her away.
To be Continued....
Currently Working on:
"All is fair in Love and Magic."
Personal Writings:
Scars Have Torn My Soul: A Tale of Mirrodin
Ch. 1 http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?t=283875
Ch. 2 http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?t=304673
Ch.3 http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?p=6409825#post6409825
Also, check out Deck Tricks in my blog!
Many thanks to FuxAlt for the awesome banner!
Here is something to consider when using someone else's character (as Tezzeret and Elspeth are Creative's brain childs): You need to determine, out-line and write down - just for yourself - their psychological profile. And then, when you go on to write your story, you have to adhere to this profile and make sure it's water-tight, otherwise, the chosen characters feel off, or, out of their usual role.
For example, Tezzeret seems to be smirking 24/7, whilst being very accepting of his fate. Also, for reasons that are unknown to the readers, he cares for the people on Mirrodin, and has hopes for them surviving. Why does he suddenly care? It's Tezzeret. He cares about himself.
On the other hand, Elspeth. She fought him before, she knows Tezzeret is not a nice buddy of hers. Calling him a coward for letting Bant die ... seems far-fetched. Tezzeret has no obligations towards Bant, and a mere "Sucks to be you." is a good answer. Also, Tezzeret simply smacking her sword away like a fly is a little bit ... odd. Elspeth trained years as a knight, Tezzeret trained years as a ... uhm ... artificer. Her bladeskills surpass his by far. We all know and see that Elspeth is on an emo-trip, but don't depict her as a weakling. It's just, again, out of character and odd.
Otherwise, keep in mind that abbreviations are a sign of "saving time", which may come across as reduced effort. Calling Tezzeret "Tezz" when you chit-chat about cards is completely fine, in a book/story, the author should take the time to write the full name - unless another character speaks his name in such a manner. Lhianna or Chandra, for example, would both be candidates for using an abbreviated name to mock or belittle someone. But that's what they say - outside of speech, full name.
If you have a conversation, try to bind it together in a way that it is obvious who is speaking, without using the indicators at the beginning. While it's very straight forward to read, as it without a doubt tells us who is saying what, it interrupts the flow of the writing, as things come to a full stop before the next sentence. If you want a piece of text to be immersive, make sure it flows nicely. For example:
Elspeth stands to her feet.
If you cut the speech into tidbits and give the reader just short stage directions (Character A gets up, angry. "Bla bla bla!" Character B gets up, too, defensive. "Bla bla bla!") it reads like a script for a theater piece or a movie, but not like a flowing story. While I can see why you did it this way, try to push yourself to sew everything together as a package, so the sentences weave a scene that a reader can immerse himself into.
Hope this helps you, I am curious about the next part!
PS: Past participle of drag: dragged. There are no drugs involved, I hope.
Working on: BRG Next Level Jund - Read this thread on why it's so awesome.
Prowlin' with the Pack, rawr! | DMing a Freeform Pulp Campaign - [Stranded in the Rift]
Check these out: [Haiku Contest] - #4 Bonehoard | <3 Clan [Soundtrack] | Story: Rising Sword
Scars Have Ripped my Soul: A Tale of Mirrodin Ch.2
A great army is shown made up of myr. It seems their numbers are endless, and that nothing will stop them. Tezzeret, the new agent of Nichol Bolas himself is shown looking out of his new fortress. He smirks as he notices the myr marching in sequence. His squire comes into the room, and he turns to face him.
"Sir, what are your wishes for the army today?"
Tezzeret smirks a little.
"Have the army prepare for battle....I want to see them ready and able to fight."
The squire nods and heads out of the room. Tezzeret averts his gaze to an esper flag on the wall.
"I remember this all so well...the once great Esper. I know that in time I will bring you back to remembrance. Right now, I am just an agent of Nichol Bolas, but I will regain my power. I have not forgotten who I am...and I will stop this madness."
He steps out onto the balcony, and looks into the distance.
"Mirran....Phyrexia. This war has raged on far too long already, and yet, it has just begun. This all must be stopped once and for all if we have a hope of any of us surviving."
The squire comes back in.
"Master Tezzeret, you have a visitor."
Tezzeret looks towards the door, and Elspeth Tirel steps in. Tezzeret smirks a little at her.
"Well look who it is. It is awfully brave of you to come all this way Elspeth."
She glares at him.
"I have come on business."
Tezzeret motions towards his living area.
"Right this way, though you probably already know my answer."
The two step into the parlor, and take a seat.
"Tezzeret, I have come to ask for your help."
He looks curiously.
"I'm listening, but make it quick."
She nods.
"Tezzeret, the Alara Plane has been destroyed. Bant is no more...the Eldrazi invaded from Zendikar and I don't know who else to ask for help..."
Tezzeret cuts her off.
"I see where this is going. Elspeth, I can't help you. Nichol Bolas gave me strict orders to evacuate my troops when the Eldrazi came. He allowed your kingdom to perish, and there is nothing more I can do for you. It is best you leave."
Elspeth stands to her feet.
"You're pathetic Tezzeret! I knew better than to come here!"
He stands up.
"GET OUT ELSPETH!"
She draws her sword, and lunges towards Tezzeret. He barely escapes the blade, and manages to yell.
"Guards!"
Suddenly two huge Relics grab her. She struggles, but is quickly overpowered. Tezzeret laughs at her.
"Take her to the Steel Overseer....he will judge what shall become of her. I press the charge of treason...be sure to let him know."
Elspeth screams at him as she is being drug away.
"YOU TRAITOR! I HOPE JACE KILLS YOU WHEN HE GETS HERE!!!"
Tezzeret merely laughs as the guards drag her away.
To be continued....
Currently Working on:
"All is fair in Love and Magic."
Personal Writings:
Scars Have Torn My Soul: A Tale of Mirrodin
Ch. 1 http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?t=283875
Ch. 2 http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?t=304673
Ch.3 http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/showthread.php?p=6409825#post6409825
Also, check out Deck Tricks in my blog!
Many thanks to FuxAlt for the awesome banner!