This is a short story that a friend of mine turned in for his Senior Writing class that I thought I might share with you all. Enjoy
Chuck Norris got up one day and made coffee (the way Chuck Norris makes his coffee is he grinds it in his teeth and boils it with his own rage) and ate his usual breakfast, a bowl of sulfuric acid and rusty nails. Chuck Norris was very tired and hardly noticed the group of ninjas sneaking up behind him. The first ninja swung his katana as hard as he could at Chuck Norris. The sword broke in half as it hit him (it is a well documented fact that only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris). Then Chuck Norris whirled around and roundhouse kicked the ninja (scientists say that the ninja will pass Pluto in under two weeks). All the other ninjas tried to jump back but were dead before their feet left the ground. As Chuck Norris dragged their corpses into the pile on his front lawn he knew that he had finally had enough (it is a well documented fact that Brokeback Mountain actually exists; it's what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard). The pile had grown to thirty miles high.
Chuck Norris wished that he had left at least one of the ninjas alive for questioning, but he knew just who to talk to in this situation. So Chuck Norris went down to Hell to ask Satan to let him talk to the souls of the ninjas he had just killed. Now the Devil and Chuck Norris have gotten along famously after Chuck Norris sold his soul to Satan for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was complete Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Devil in the face and took back his soul. The Devil who appreciates irony couldn't stay mad at Chuck Norris and admitted that he should have seen it coming. Now they play poker on the second Wednesday of every month.
"Well go ahead and talk to those ninja souls", said Satan.
"Thanks a lot prince of darkness", said Chuck Norris. So he went off to speak to the souls. The deceased ninjas seem scared of Chuck Norris and told him that Pepsi had hired them to destroy Chuck Norris. That makes perfect sense because despite the fact that it is not well known that Chuck Norris one day had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage; we know that beverage today as Red Bull.
Then all of a sudden Chuck Norris was teleported jumping out of a can into an area near a grocery store. This is a common occurrence for Chuck Norris because whenever someone opens a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out. So then everyone else was looking very surprised to see Chuck Norris teleport that it took two and a half seconds for anyone to say anything. Then Chuck Norris walked up to someone and asked him where he was. The person responded, "Hey, your Chuck Norris aren't you? Did you know that roundhouse kicks aren't the most effective way to kill someone?" This is regarded by historians as the stupidest thing anyone has ever done. In fact Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that guy so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart.
Then Chuck Norris used the force to locate the Pepsi headquarters and headed in that direction (it is interesting to note that there are in fact three sides to the force: light, dark, and Chuck Norris). It took him four point eight seconds to get there, it would have taken less time but on the way somebody asked him what time it was. Chuck Norris said, "Two Seconds till".
"Two seconds till what?" the man responded. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face (it is a well documented fact that Chuck Norris set the speed of light because he hated running faster and getting all sweaty). When he arrived the guards opened fire on Chuck Norris, but the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. The guards didn't stand a chance. All of the survivors learned first hand that there are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris. Then he walked into the facility and found out where the president of Pepsi was. Then when he walked in he was surprised when he saw MacGyver sitting there in the president's seat. "I should have known it was you", said Chuck Norris.
"Well now you will pay for making me unpopular Chuck Norris," MacGyver screamed, and as he did a large group of robots made entirely from Pepsi cans rose up and started attacking Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick is so powerful that it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye; so the robots were quickly dismantled and then Chuck Norris attacked MacGyver and MacGyver then understood that the quickest way to a man's heart was with Chuck Norris's fist.
Well With that out of the way Chuck Norris decided to go down to NASA and get the money that they owe him (once Chuck Norris bet NASA that he could survive reentry without a space suit. On July 19th, 2002, a naked Chuck Norris reentered the atmosphere, streaking over fourteen states and reaching a temperature of three thousand degrees Fahrenheit. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor and NASA still owes him fifty dollars). Once he arrived the NASA officials told him that a comet was headed towards Earth and could destroy the entire northern hemisphere if it hit. Well Chuck Norris decided that he couldn't let that happen so he jumped up into space and roundhouse kicked it into the sun. This is the third thing that he has done for NASA. The First was after his first space expedition he proved to everyone that we are alone in the universe; we weren't before the expedition. The second is the thing they still owe him money for.
“Well thanks Chuck, here’s your money,” stated the NASA official as he handed fifty dollars to Chuck Norris.
Well, with that out of the way he headed home. When he arrived he turned on the television and after an hour of watching NBC he called his lawyer to sue them for stealing one of his trademarks. Law and Order are the names of Chuck Norris’s left and right legs. Within five minutes NBC called Chuck Norris to apologize to him for the second time, the first being when Brian Williams said that it wasn’t possible for Chuck Norris to have gotten a perfect score on the SATs (he did, by writing Chuck Norris for every answer). Chuck Norris told NBC to not let it happen again and hung up.
All of a sudden Chuck Norris was feeling hungry so he went to McDonalds. When they refused to make it his way he roundhouse kicked McDonalds so hard it became a Wendy’s. When the reporters showed up and asked him what his way was he told them, “With barbed wire and nails of course.” Then he roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Then Mr. T walked in and said, “I pity the fool named Chuck Norris.”
“What?” said Chuck Norris and turned around.
“I am the owner of McDonalds you fool,” exclaimed Mr. T. Well Chuck Norris had no idea, but got ready for a fight soon to be known as the battle of awesomeness. “Now you must fight me and my entire army of super peoples.” His army included MC Hammer, Jack Baurer, Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Arnold Swartzenegger and Mike Tyson. Before the rest of them could act Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked MC Hammer through a grocery store (apparently Chuck Norris can touch this), then Chuck Norris jumped through the hole he had made in the store. MC Hammer was completely unconscious. The others followed Chuck Norris. Sylvester Stallone grabbed Chuck Norris’s arms from behind and Mike Tyson started hitting him. However Chuck Norris thrives on pain and hit Mike Tyson through the dairy aisle. Then Seagal threw a package of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter at Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter and was therefore unaffected. Then Arnold Swartzenegger pulled out a gun and shot at Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris deflected all of the bullets with his beard and roundhouse kicked Arnold into a Russian spy plane thirty miles up. Within ten minutes the fight was over and only Chuck Norris and Mr. T were left standing. Mr. T said, “Well it looks like you beat me Chuck Norris, but I am a fool think I could defeat you.”
Finally after a long day Chuck Norris went home to rest (although it’s a well documented fact that Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits). Soon it will be another exiting day for Chuck Norris.
The moral of the story is if at first you don’t succeed your not Chuck Norris.
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"If I was asked to imagine a perfect deity, I would never invent one that suffers from a multiple personality disorder. Christians get points for originality there."
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Chuck Norris got up one day and made coffee (the way Chuck Norris makes his coffee is he grinds it in his teeth and boils it with his own rage) and ate his usual breakfast, a bowl of sulfuric acid and rusty nails. Chuck Norris was very tired and hardly noticed the group of ninjas sneaking up behind him. The first ninja swung his katana as hard as he could at Chuck Norris. The sword broke in half as it hit him (it is a well documented fact that only Chuck Norris can cut Chuck Norris). Then Chuck Norris whirled around and roundhouse kicked the ninja (scientists say that the ninja will pass Pluto in under two weeks). All the other ninjas tried to jump back but were dead before their feet left the ground. As Chuck Norris dragged their corpses into the pile on his front lawn he knew that he had finally had enough (it is a well documented fact that Brokeback Mountain actually exists; it's what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard). The pile had grown to thirty miles high.
Chuck Norris wished that he had left at least one of the ninjas alive for questioning, but he knew just who to talk to in this situation. So Chuck Norris went down to Hell to ask Satan to let him talk to the souls of the ninjas he had just killed. Now the Devil and Chuck Norris have gotten along famously after Chuck Norris sold his soul to Satan for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was complete Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Devil in the face and took back his soul. The Devil who appreciates irony couldn't stay mad at Chuck Norris and admitted that he should have seen it coming. Now they play poker on the second Wednesday of every month.
"Well go ahead and talk to those ninja souls", said Satan.
"Thanks a lot prince of darkness", said Chuck Norris. So he went off to speak to the souls. The deceased ninjas seem scared of Chuck Norris and told him that Pepsi had hired them to destroy Chuck Norris. That makes perfect sense because despite the fact that it is not well known that Chuck Norris one day had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage; we know that beverage today as Red Bull.
Then all of a sudden Chuck Norris was teleported jumping out of a can into an area near a grocery store. This is a common occurrence for Chuck Norris because whenever someone opens a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out. So then everyone else was looking very surprised to see Chuck Norris teleport that it took two and a half seconds for anyone to say anything. Then Chuck Norris walked up to someone and asked him where he was. The person responded, "Hey, your Chuck Norris aren't you? Did you know that roundhouse kicks aren't the most effective way to kill someone?" This is regarded by historians as the stupidest thing anyone has ever done. In fact Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that guy so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart.
Then Chuck Norris used the force to locate the Pepsi headquarters and headed in that direction (it is interesting to note that there are in fact three sides to the force: light, dark, and Chuck Norris). It took him four point eight seconds to get there, it would have taken less time but on the way somebody asked him what time it was. Chuck Norris said, "Two Seconds till".
"Two seconds till what?" the man responded. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face (it is a well documented fact that Chuck Norris set the speed of light because he hated running faster and getting all sweaty). When he arrived the guards opened fire on Chuck Norris, but the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. The guards didn't stand a chance. All of the survivors learned first hand that there are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris. Then he walked into the facility and found out where the president of Pepsi was. Then when he walked in he was surprised when he saw MacGyver sitting there in the president's seat. "I should have known it was you", said Chuck Norris.
"Well now you will pay for making me unpopular Chuck Norris," MacGyver screamed, and as he did a large group of robots made entirely from Pepsi cans rose up and started attacking Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick is so powerful that it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye; so the robots were quickly dismantled and then Chuck Norris attacked MacGyver and MacGyver then understood that the quickest way to a man's heart was with Chuck Norris's fist.
Well With that out of the way Chuck Norris decided to go down to NASA and get the money that they owe him (once Chuck Norris bet NASA that he could survive reentry without a space suit. On July 19th, 2002, a naked Chuck Norris reentered the atmosphere, streaking over fourteen states and reaching a temperature of three thousand degrees Fahrenheit. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor and NASA still owes him fifty dollars). Once he arrived the NASA officials told him that a comet was headed towards Earth and could destroy the entire northern hemisphere if it hit. Well Chuck Norris decided that he couldn't let that happen so he jumped up into space and roundhouse kicked it into the sun. This is the third thing that he has done for NASA. The First was after his first space expedition he proved to everyone that we are alone in the universe; we weren't before the expedition. The second is the thing they still owe him money for.
“Well thanks Chuck, here’s your money,” stated the NASA official as he handed fifty dollars to Chuck Norris.
Well, with that out of the way he headed home. When he arrived he turned on the television and after an hour of watching NBC he called his lawyer to sue them for stealing one of his trademarks. Law and Order are the names of Chuck Norris’s left and right legs. Within five minutes NBC called Chuck Norris to apologize to him for the second time, the first being when Brian Williams said that it wasn’t possible for Chuck Norris to have gotten a perfect score on the SATs (he did, by writing Chuck Norris for every answer). Chuck Norris told NBC to not let it happen again and hung up.
All of a sudden Chuck Norris was feeling hungry so he went to McDonalds. When they refused to make it his way he roundhouse kicked McDonalds so hard it became a Wendy’s. When the reporters showed up and asked him what his way was he told them, “With barbed wire and nails of course.” Then he roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Then Mr. T walked in and said, “I pity the fool named Chuck Norris.”
“What?” said Chuck Norris and turned around.
“I am the owner of McDonalds you fool,” exclaimed Mr. T. Well Chuck Norris had no idea, but got ready for a fight soon to be known as the battle of awesomeness. “Now you must fight me and my entire army of super peoples.” His army included MC Hammer, Jack Baurer, Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Arnold Swartzenegger and Mike Tyson. Before the rest of them could act Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked MC Hammer through a grocery store (apparently Chuck Norris can touch this), then Chuck Norris jumped through the hole he had made in the store. MC Hammer was completely unconscious. The others followed Chuck Norris. Sylvester Stallone grabbed Chuck Norris’s arms from behind and Mike Tyson started hitting him. However Chuck Norris thrives on pain and hit Mike Tyson through the dairy aisle. Then Seagal threw a package of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter at Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter and was therefore unaffected. Then Arnold Swartzenegger pulled out a gun and shot at Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris deflected all of the bullets with his beard and roundhouse kicked Arnold into a Russian spy plane thirty miles up. Within ten minutes the fight was over and only Chuck Norris and Mr. T were left standing. Mr. T said, “Well it looks like you beat me Chuck Norris, but I am a fool think I could defeat you.”
Finally after a long day Chuck Norris went home to rest (although it’s a well documented fact that Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits). Soon it will be another exiting day for Chuck Norris.
The moral of the story is if at first you don’t succeed your not Chuck Norris.
Invisitext is no longer allowed
"apparently chuck norris can touch this"
PURE GENIUS!
actually, I read a few sentences and was just ROFL. Link to it in your siggy!
"If I was asked to imagine a perfect deity, I would never invent one that suffers from a multiple personality disorder. Christians get points for originality there."